bottled up thoughts in maroon and yellow

my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow.

2005-05-07T12:53:00.000+08:00

my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow. my naive 2004 erased with maroon and yellow.

hiangy hway

2004-12-15T16:56:00.000+08:00

*I found the song below at xiangy’s blog haven’t heard it yet but the words are truly lyrical. A nice nice story, come to think of it xinagy probably wrote it himself. i sincerely hope my passé love-hate best friend is happy. Surreal - The Proposal Song i know now what love is and what love means they once said the greatest thing is to love and be loved in return i guess they were right and for once i now do not deny i once thought of love as something of a fleeting fantasy of something as paint which wears out over time slowly surely fading then gone love, then, was only a feeling something which comes and leaves you hanging in the momment broken forgotten i refused to love dwelling in my self-consciousness scared afraid in my shell i lied to myself thinking i was complete i was whole i thought i didnt need anyone else after all for seventeen years ive been more or less alone trusting none believing few and then i met you you entered my life quietly, you slipped in unlocking the doors of my heart how? ill never know but you did and here we are together in something id never imagine i would be love beyond the superficial and under the covers you found me tattered and torn love, overwhelmingly beautiful so perfect so gentle the magic of it everlasting the memory of it forever the momment of it eternal like a rose without thorns you come to me the angel of the heavens the fairy of my dreams you my love will forever be mine come hold my hand together we'll fly on our dreams we'll soar to places we've never been before where only love can bring us together forever.

i'm sorry i have to humour and keep the pretence

2004-12-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

Okay I so want to quit crustacean. I know it’s a matter of time before I fit in, but I don’t know I just don’t like all the behind the back talk etc. oooh screw it. Been feeling fugly, but when I met perfect kim well it just didn’t matter. We sat and talked, shopped for lingerie at tangs, the place is just beautiful now, and the lingerie department such a luxury ate yoghurt ice cream. Today was really a short sweet perfect time with kim, I don’t know what I’ve done to have been blessed with such a bestie such as kim. She understands me, tolerates me, make me happy, assures me, keeps my secrets safe, gives good advice, lets me be there for her. And the girl I love taking photos with. It’s only after meeting you that I’ve learnt so much, about brands about being a narcissist, cos I never really enjoyed taking pictures, never knew how to make faces. You taught me a lot, even if you never knew it. Will never ever regret our hoobbie job, it was my turning point. Next, the day was screwed up, but somehow you made it feel worst then all better at night. It’s my mind those thoughts driving me nuts, cos everything affects. Owells. And to fill the inbetweens of my day, had a short chat with andre online in the morning, and it so made me want to just give him a big squeeze. I cannot believe he still has the dumb pics I made him pose for using his camera, all the lame shots of uncle tobys, I’m glad you’re coming back dude, hopefully not with your smelly socks my fat, uncle, best friend, confidant. (I say these words in hope that when you get back nothing will change, man I miss you and the good ol times, starbucks will never ever ever be the same with you missing) Then Christian, so far far away but yet some how so near. no words will describe how happy and honored I feel whenever you turn to me sometimes for help. Thanks sweet marshall. *I’m thinking, friday night. What can I do to make tomorrow unforgettable. What can I do to show you my sincerity. What can you bring to your new home that will remind you of me. When we don’t call, when I don’t visit, when new years and one week holidays stop, what will I do when you’re away. Trips to Malaysia have something missing. That’s why it’s so important, this parting gift has to be memorable, absolutely unforgettable.

driven away on my mini cooper to improve my feeble lyircal life story

2004-11-21T02:22:00.000+08:00

My naïve-ness, the illusion I give myself to assure myself I’ve got the iq. My never endearing ability to say things and leave them in a blur, resulting in unnecessary opinions. To think I’m helping when I’m not, because of inexistent vision to see the whole picture. My blue eyed week’s been scizzel bizzel dizzel different. Very trying. Saturday was bunch at fosters,cell the dinner at some posh Italian restaurant so filling. Cell was good, a different feeling this time. Had some sharing with lingna and wenling, people I never really got to know better, today’s the first step, looking forward to the next. PLUS DEBBIE IS COMING HOME AND YEUNG IS ALREADY IN SINGAPORE! I MISS OLD TIMES BEST FRIENDS HATE DISTANCE THOSE PLANE RIDES THAT SEPARATE US. WHEN I SEE YOU, I DON’T KNOW JUST WHAT I’LL DO. Feeling like a fat ars recently, drinking rich food, seafood tomorrow as well oh man… my stomach and zouk out don’t go hand in hand. Friday first bumkins, lunch walk which got us all drenched skin and bones wearing sfi jackets walking around trying to keep warm after. Wet shoes. Borrowed umbrella. Funny times. Singing in the rain all the kiddy songs- unforgettable dude UNFORGETABLE haha. Then it was with fluffy, stephy and the rest. I have to thank furball for the whole thing, it was very trying. And at the end of the day we ended up in a club called desire was it? Haha, boogie woogie bollywood beats? Thursday it was sleep. Wednesday was pure madness I still cannot believe i only managed to catch 2 hours of sleep the entire day. In the wee hours of the morning, it was just the 3 of us under my block, my 2 heroes one coming the shape of a fat red lobster ;) then to chris, then 2 precious hours of sleep, a haircut and next a costly lunch at crustacean with lobsters, mussels, scallop, cod, seafood bisque, some drink, chocolate cake etc. really not that fabulous. Then to mediacorp, for rehearsals, nightmares in the fitting room from NO CLOTHS. Mediacorp really had no cloths, and most of them, beautiful Belinda had worn on the same programme. How ironic. I had a surprisingly enjoyable time with the girls, I felt comfortable, I liked the fact that there wansn’t any competitiveness, and the way things worked out, I honestly couldn’t have it any other way. I didn’t get in, but I’m quite okay about it cos during the short period of time I got to know them better and out of the five, the 2 selected were actually the 2 I really got to know better, the ones I liked, the ones I felt deserving. Gwen and I had quite a time in the toilet during the first dressing, I was being a bitch and she was laughing not judging- I really appreciated that cos I was really being a bitch cos the “fashion guru” from the station was pissing us all off, bad cloths, lousy attitude, try to be alittle bit more helpful auntie we’re not big stars, we’re just girls who want to wear something NORMAL and fitting. Gwen was laughing at the way I was complaining how the skirt went with me how unfitting and all. Elizabeth just blew me away with her maturity, elegance and sophistication. By far the prettiest I believe for the episode. And also the least self conscious and that is absolutely beautiful. What made things so much better, was the presence of my old girlfriends from secondary school- the ones I kind of loss contact with, bumkins, stephaye, Melissa-thanks for the mango cake I have the video of it I really appreciate what you’ve done for me tell me how can I do the same for you for kim it’s cheese cakes and char siew sous that do the trick but for you I can’t buy sleep ;) triumver and fluffy & co. all really special people. Though janet couldn’t make it. Tuesday, was good friends day. Kim and Mel!!! What else can I say. Thank yous? Kim for the blusher though to my disappointment bobbi brown is screwed up they give me the correct box but the wrong colour inside. And believe it or not that’s now got me wanting foundation. Haha. That’s a whooping 150 just like that. Tulips. Mel for the cake and a good Tuesday. Tulips. Jerald, bling bling. Tony, cake. I owe u more then just an apology. But let’s leave it that things happened in such a way that my heroes has given you an unpleasant illusion that’s put a stop to this nonsense. Joel, ash, had, for the lyrical card, boots, and a very very sweeeet scent. Kiwi, the most beautiful bouquet of roses I have ever seen, sweeeeets. The week had been so finnnne, despite severe sleep deprivation, broke-ness, problems, the fact that many a times we could have been having better times. “just the other night furball read strangely familiar lines from my blog, things I wrote out of anger that just wasn’t even I myself thought something I couldn’t have said. Sometimes I scare myself…& something totally unrelated just flashs pass, I realize they were meant for me, you felt my presence you stopped it was all my fault don’t stop cos everything’s slipping even if I don’t want it to I just can’t help it I just can’t let you know the fear of awkwardness the loss of something good the fact that I’m not good enough the stuff I know I wouldn’t do the freedom I know I don’t have the things physical material they weren’t there you just saw the illusion I created ”

2004-11-17T04:42:00.000+08:00

16 & 17, bitter sweeet times. Splendid time with special people the whole day and I seriously hope the same goes later in the day as well. Sorry mel, to keep you waiting, i’m going to make an effort to be extra punctual when I meet you next time, but sometimes it’s hard, cos I pray for good weather and when I’m punctual like you say- it rains. Thanks bestie, for the dessert rose blusher, it’s my most prized blusher now, and yes you will get that 43 buck present. And also for the tulips, I cannot believed you guys remembered and were actually so sweeet. And to janet, i was swimming in glee when I got your message while I was at my place having a discussion with ash and joel- thanks guys for everything, for taking care of me, I owe you guys countless. Bitter times too, the sucky feeling when the wrong things came out, when things that didn’t need talking about where blown big, chris work, getting fed over small issues. Been thinking, I’ve changed definitely, the introvert side of me is once again coming out. i really appreciate the fact that I’ve met and will be meeting the people who really mean a lot to me, true friends. It’s becoming the lime light I shun. Tomorrow it will be lunch with my aunt, lovely lovely, something quiet, short of pretence, personal, loving. Cross my fingers she’ll enjoy the meal and it’s up to her standard. And at night, meeting people who bothered to come down, really special people, then going home to slumber after my 4 hrs sleep schedule/day that’s been torture to my eyes since Friday.

lunch with linda would be better

2004-11-16T13:41:00.000+08:00

fuck you bitch. your ignorance never fails to piss me off. don't understand when you should, think you understand when you don't. presume you fuck ars. don't fight with someone like yourself. can't understand i don't give a fuck, just cut me up all over again... as once again i hoped in vain for a remedy for this fucking lousy kin.

2004-11-16T03:08:00.000+08:00

http://www.dongli883.com.sg/EventDetails.aspx?UID=57 glam glam shot! Not that glam maybe but still with my old hair. Something that only stabs me in the back and reminds me my hair is screwed up now. And when I feel that way, I don’t bother about anything else, no makeup, no appropriate cloths, earing, shoes. Yupyup vanity my downfall.

In the wee hours of the morning, it was zouk- sasha, wasn’t so bad I guess. Got to hang out with fluffy and the rest for awhile first. Then it was to zouk, where strangely I just couldn’t really take the drinks that night, had a splitting headache and I puked when I got home. Gross. wasting myself on drinks, feeble attempts to dance, whore like reactions but it had to be good fun. The effort put into the whole thing had to make it fun. Today I went out with emo for awhile, the minute I stepped out of my house it was regret, why am I wasting my time questions in my head. Every action, stick-eeee-ness just got me sick. no doubt, nice, caring, sees me for my bad temper yet understands, but please you think you understand me BUT YOU’RE NOT EVEN CLOSE, and trust me just because you feel that you can share with me stuff and I understand doesn’t mean we are any closer. Please get the vibe. Please please. I feel bad enough that you insisted on getting me something. We were always friends why can’t the people I don’t like see the same picture I paint. Then it was to textile mall, for the compulsory webchat, no one told me there was going to be a webcam! The minute I found out… I’m like whhhhhattt… thank God I have a cap. I don’t need overly-friendly, second intention people getting to know me better, let alone recognize me. *go away go away.

Been thinking the whole day, joel says I was never one that needed a guy. Everyone around seems to be having little infactuations, mild flirting with new people they’ve met, but just not me. Cos when I realize you don’t fit, you just don’t and I don’t like to lead you on any longer. Pity pity. Always leaves me with nothing, but I’ve no intention to force anything. Just a struggle still, when you can get so much at the expense of another. Something I never want to do, ever. It’s normal in this world, perfectly legal, but I’m abnormal sometimes not of this world.

Nov 17? Yes it’s on 17. thanks Christian you’re such a darling for remembering (God I miss you), I have no idea what other people think is the correct date anymore since I’ve been getting afew nice and caring well wishers and testimonials when it’s not even 17 by people who thought they were just in time to wish me. Kinda sweet still. I was pretty upset last week, how I was going to enjoy myself on that day, but now I’ve taken off, going out with the two people that made life in ngee ann the best, kim and mel. It should be 3, Janet should be there too, babe I hope you’ll forgive me, that’s the only birthday wish I really want. Then with joel, ash and someone else, can’t wait for that either, to hang out with people that really take care of me, people I can trust without having to bother about intentions. Bcos recently intentions has just got me hurting myself, and bleeding bad. & on 17th, it’s going to be an expensive lunch with my aunt because I promised to treat her to crustacean and I can get my free chocolate cake as well ;) then to waste my supposedly perfect day at media corp till I meet my secondary school class girls, bumkins, stephie… I guess it’s going to be almost perfect cos I’ll be meeting the people I lurveeee. & I’m not forgetting Friday night… partyeeee! With the animals, homosexuals and jokers. Haha come here fluffy… and baby calf. Haha. To make it more perfect, lynette, shauny, zhou, han yao, leslie, stevie, martina. debbie, xin, yeung, andre, brans, joee, yuyin, spencer, Thomas, Irene, ice, ian, Wilson… when did we last leave off? I’ve been so caught up with the people, only yesterday night, Jerald reminded me of another pro of ur birthday-gifts. Thanks Jerald, I needed that, it came coincidentally when I felt that 17th was going to be another fucked up time. Just cheered me up for awhile ?

2004-11-12T14:05:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was new shoes that I regretted buying after paying for them, buying socks later cos they gave me blisters, all of a result of semi desperate times to do something fun and to tease and please. Where’s the alley when you need it? We were so desperate we almost went bungee again. But at least janesh had some sort of *fun when I bought my shoes *bling bling and well ying liked it. Then it was to nydc fab fab fabulicious and stuffed, to marche then rouge- regretting the green eyes, and the bulging, and the extravagance. Been thinking, so much, about Friday night, Saturday night. I’m keen on Friday but I’m not going, not keen on Saturday but obliged to cos of sally dearest XQ and stephaye. About the desirables cos I know there’s smth on top of that list but I just don’t know what, about the people around me, whose sincere, about patience, waiting, tolerating, irritating. Something’s bothering, I just can’t put my finger on it.

And to kiwi, sorry been so so busy, let me know about tiramisu by sunday night ;)

2004-11-11T06:49:00.000+08:00

Today work- I was just tired, not focused at all. Oh well. I met you, only to meet with the harsh reality of life. What he said suddenly became so clear, all the pieces fell into place. You was caring because you were trying, where as i moved over because I didn’t think there was the existence of trying but just pure friendship. The only reason I cared, I trusted was because I thought you were different, worthy, worth it. Well, now it’s time to feel foolish for assuming there was close ties because maybe you don’t think there ain’t. Naïve as usual. When we all have different opinions… when words meant to be said don’t come out… wrong impressions… bad impressions… when I can read minds…

2004-11-11T06:15:00.000+08:00

JUST- pausing, leaving a message and then stopping myself half way because I don’t want to disappoint. It’s amazing how once again I don’t want something that I always said was very important, how I stop myself from people that were always there.

Recently life has been just a wind whirl of events, this stubborn heart of mine’s unwillingly finding time to lay all I have against you on the table, minus sarcasm hopefully so you won’t have the opportunity to cross the line again, with me tied to the tracks of an approaching train. And because of all these, I find myself just wanting to share with someone that really understands, it’s not about feeling better, but it’s about really understanding, and not using yourself as the bench mark of comparison. But whenever so, I just feel frustrated and foolish at the end of the day, cos I don’t get the desired understanding I seek, which is simple understanding and leave it as that, because I guess anything else would only go to show how little they actually comprehend about it all.

BEFORE- woke up to an early morning of bulging, frustration, regret and stress regarding the work at hand and my social life.

NEXT- What are you going to do? When you find out the list of desirables isn’t complete and time is running short. That you don’t have time for anyone, and the people you should be spending time with, just to keep the little existence of bonds aren’t exactly on top of your list, and yet at the end of the day you contradict yourself.

NEW- I sang that familiar song, alone, out of fear, out of desperation, I’m glad that I still turn to you, even when it’s only sometimes. Today after the song, I felt at peace, reminded me even though I’m just miserable about the way another crosses the line and how I have to suffer severely for no reason as a result- my holidays and 17th are just ruined and I find myself not really wanting to think about it or look forward to it. You’ll be there, even when I don’t turn to you. You’ll forever be my safety net that I fall on, even If it’s only in dark times that I remember.

If you knew what happened that early Tuesday morning at around 1 am you would know why everything is just in shambers.

SHOPaHOLIC desirables- Bestie- when are we going to buy heely-pointy-funky shoes. Recently fetishes such as all kinds of footwear, Birkenstocks, dunks, heels. Oriental china flat/pumps. Funky pants, belts, caps, funky earrings and little skirts. Funky Jackets, jeans, tweed jackets, funky tops, baby tees, tiny handbags and bag for school that can take my humongous lappy. Yup only just everything.

3 HOURS LATER- one person less to fight with, one more to go. Cross fingers zouk Saturday (*double cross) and Friday. And maybe next wednesday as well. Lalala finally a flaming waterfall a nice blow job and some variety at my feet…

2004-11-09T14:27:00.000+08:00

Sweat trickles beneath the calm superior complex. Yet not doing a thing, forget, procrastinate, just enjoy the party on a Tuesday and good company, maybe complain later about the early nights… looking forward to all that, finally some time for more. Now it’s unfamiliar ground, yet comfortable positions. Impressions made, can’t say anything really impressive. It’s a totally different environment, when I’m placed in a vulnerable position, full or regret, no brainer chances to express myself to only regret later, testing of patience, amusing ones self, multi tasking, letting phone bullies win, regular doses of caffeine to keep me on my feet, knowing bumkins inside out cos there’s only one person I can really talk to around here and we go around entertaining ourselves, thinking of good food to add to our stash, of coffee, milo, soup, books, videos, cloths, wax, etc etc. Someone stole my shoes but there’s a couple of banana’s and a bottle of booze… and everything feels all better cos of the illusion of satisfaction

2004-11-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

Angel- beyonce and kelly. If I only knew… It’s strange, feeling lousy once second and of hope the next. Reading between every line like my bible, silently wishing, that everything’s going to be alright, when I know it probably isn’t, when I know i shouldn’t either. I don’t know it’s my latest and biggest curiosity of the day, the thing that’s got be pressing the button down to be greeted by that familiar tune, my one and only connection to... And after that, I go by the familiar train of thought to my biggest disappointment yet, or my most wishful, naïve mistake of hoping or being blinded by the word trust. Trust and hope gave me the illusion that there ain’t no lust, and loyalty and real concern exist. I hate what I see, trying to love it now. A month back you saw something, just the superficial at first then what? It’s the superficial that disappoints, I was blind to think you all were in it for the person and not some selfish competition. It seems like everything goes behind my back, and when I find out about it, I start thinking, regretting, feeling so SO dumb. Did I waste my fortnight in the wrong hands. Why don’t you tell me anything now? I don’t know how to react when I see you, to look down or up. To show if I care, cos I’m thinking should i? Anyway XQ’s friend drove me back on a sweeet mazda today, can you believe hot chick behind a mazda-happening. Just a car of her own, nice. Just a short chat, reminded me of what I’m missing out on. I miss mahjonging till dawn, freedom in the day and night, hanging out with all the nocturnal friends of mine, who ask everytime. I’ll be so dumb to think that they’ll keep at it if I keep turning them down. Looking forward to next week, God don’t disappoint me or should I say I’m trying not to disappoint. Fuck fuck. And the simple words that disappoint. I’m taking the hard road once again, and I know it’s going to be a fruitful journey with regret. If only I was afraid maybe my path wouldn’t have crossed all of yours… The Greatest Story- Avalon. When the words don’t just mean something, when I start living it.

2004-11-06T01:40:00.000+08:00

Just rushing an entry in before I sleep, bestie complained that I don’t provide details in my entries, yup so I’m doing so today, cos we went out today. Ilu* right now I’m stuffed to the brim, after all that pizza, chipolata, wedges etc, which I took defiantely twice the amount I should have taken, which has influenced my decision to go for training tomorrow. And also thinking back how strange today was, how funny things work when my day bent to it’s lowest in the middle. I enjoyed myself today with you bestie, excruciating threading, shopping in town, just breathing fresh air from different cultures at little India ;) Then it was to the hospital which brought pleasant and unpleasant memories on the way in. Memories? Well when my precious handsome zhizhi nearly met death there- but I thank God he’s alright now and still a pain in the ars. The familiar smell of the hospital, the wards, brought back memories of when I used to visit my ex. The coutless trips I made down, the first-close to tears, with a heart full of confusion and worry when I found out that my ex was going to be in there for months. The painful standing by him, well all over. Then it was watching Jerome who looks like he’s in good shape- didn’t talk much. Then came the severe pit bottom of my day that surprisingly brought me to tears, thank God at the back of the bus. I left the hospital 15 minutes before work, to rush a cab over. And it was more then enough time, except that it was rush hour and i made the mistake of walking out to the road in hope that I’ll find a cab faster and ended up waiting 45 fucking minutes in vain, next I dumbly and desperately made the decision of taking a bus to a place where I could get a cab better, I should have known better. I ended up taking 1 and a half hours to get to work, very very late of course and in a lot of trouble as usual, and it wasn’t a cab I took but a bus, which happened because I found myself in an unkown location, waiting for a cab in vain, no phone to call any, and a familiar bus number. And yes that’s when I broke down in tears, cos I was so afraid, fustrated etc. been going through rough patches one after another, but still unexpected rain. I never cry over small matters, I think this is the first tear that fail after my breakup. Funny over how silly the matter, but it felt good after, I was able to pick myself up and enjoy myself at work. Teasing squid, getting to know denise, xy and bobZ better. Chilling out at wala’s after…

2004-11-04T23:37:00.000+08:00

It rained internally within me today. I made the final decision but didn’t I say no fucking tweety? FUCK FUCK FUCK I didn’t get purple either. Thank God for caps. Maybe it ain’t so bad just got to get used to it. Still fuck, the outpouring externally will begin any minute now… Things hasn’t been a bed of roses, everything is fucking up. I’m just irritated with everybody, anything, and all my friends. I wish people would stop being sticky and stop thinking their helpless when their not. Cos being patient and understanding without having to get or show your irritation sucks, I want to be selfish just for a change. Fuck I won’t and I will try my best not to vent frustration on anyone cos no one deserves that. Worst? I just found out a friend of mine got stabbed and is in hospital, the day started well but just ended in the dumps.

2004-11-03T02:31:00.000+08:00

I’m so tired and feeling the pinch of it all. Making a list, of all the desirables, I feel good when I think about, but when I face facts they just seem so unattainable. The truth is I’m becoming fucking broke. I’m overspending like a hell lot. Yet their so much more stuff I want to buy, and I keep thinking if I’ve already found that fucking job, I would have already bought all the stuff I really want. Birthday, I hope is going to make this feeling go away. But I doubt so, I doubt anyone knows about the desirables, well except for tony which I refuse to let him spend the money on such. Sigh, my dior saddle bag real soon… Speaking of which, xiao hua has totally ruined my special Wednesday. Irritating propaganda show right smack in the middle of my plan to book a nice place for some after party and before party. I wonder what’s it going to be like on that day, I’m just wishing and wishing that the desirables will appear right in front of me- I bet no one will be able to wipe off that smile on my face when I see them, where is that star of peline’s, the last time the magic worked.

2004-11-02T01:40:00.000+08:00

I don’t know. Today I laughed till my stomach ached, fun with jie ren(awfully funny), shawn and janesh. But when I got home, the feeling just succumbed me. And it’s not something I can shake away, but something I have to something about. Yet I feel so helpless. It’s just not knocking on my door. And my current commitments don’t make shit any better. Few minutes back, I saw someone kill his good friend, as a sacrifice to save the whole earth from a virus (a show), before that a movie, which had a mother killing people to protect her family. Things out of the ordinary, sad, true, just doesn’t make me feel any better.

Empty, standing from your point

2004-10-31T17:02:00.000+08:00

There’s a nagging doubt within me, whether I really want it. I just don’t want to face reality. Everything is a matter of timing, and recently things just ain’t working out for me. My clock is 12 mins early, and no matter what I do I just can’t turn it back. I guess I’m upset with what’s been going on- it’s like an emotional rollercoaster. I’m sick, down with a swollen eye, been bulging, wasting time, not meeting any goals I want, been on a conquest for something I have found out ain’t what I really want, lost friends, reputation, religion. I need God yet I refuse to take responsibility, he took away consequence for me, yet I’m unwilling to make the big sacrifice and that is to do the right thing. What happen to sunshine I ask myself, when it’s staring at me in the face. I have to take those shades off my eyes. Pick myself up again, learn to walk.

post halloweeeeeen waste

2004-10-30T16:53:00.000+08:00

Friday, initially I had fun doing things out of the ordinary again, taking candid shot. Everything was in Japanese and there were so many different opinions- blurry blurry fun. Then to rouge then china black. Finally after all this while, stevie again. I had 15 mins in the club, and I chose it to catch up with you, for old times sake and because all other company would be drinking first. Then the call, my downfall, the permission, I abused. And now it’s regret at home, feeling dumb, night was just okay, although the company fab. Still I sit back with regret cos I wasn’t myself again, did just little things that I regretted, nothing major, actually very normal in the blind eyes of the world, but basically stuff I wouldn’t usually do. Dancing felt foolish too. Plus tonight’s Halloween at zouk, and I don’t think I can go-though there’s still hope. They say no, but…

mind you, i just need somewhere to scream my irritation

2004-10-28T02:04:00.000+08:00

oh yar i forgot to mention my ex boyfriend can be such a loser. if you read this, which i'm still in between whether it would be good if you did, i hope you'll stop the shit. stop being a kid, doing things just for the sake of being noticed. for goodness sake you're 20 going 21, you don't have to pass a letter to my mother through me when i know you can jolly well do it yourself, just in hope that i'll notice you or read the letter or whatever your intentions were. big deal you're on talking terms with my mum, big deal you get along well with my little brother, we no longer get along, i don't look at you and see the person i blindly fell for. i don't hate you, just can't stand the way you want attention, just can't stand the fact that you remind me of my past, i guess i should be happy i had you, you were a good guy i guess, it's just the things you did, you've got no pride boy. and it's not that i avoid you or anything, i just have nothing better to say to you. i'm sorry but this is the way it goes. maybe if you didn't violate me, stop being the drama king i'll see something better. i'll over look the fact that... and remember all you've done, all we shared, what we had. but right now, i'm just happy where i am. i want to forget it. and sadly i don't want to remember all that you did for me and i for you. do me a favour and pick yourself up and don't expect me to strike a conversation cos i haveing nothing better to say just yet, and your eyes, turn me off. took 10 mths but i learnt smth from it.

i guess i should, give you the credit, i should look back with pleasant memories. cos i know that the sweet things you've done, countless would have charmed any girl. i know i'm lucky, cos guys don't usually do such stuff. ya but so? it's sad i just can't look at you and see someone i respect. it was never the illness, but guess you'll never find out cos you're to busy trying to blame another. just leave me alone drama king...

2004-10-27T23:14:00.000+08:00

F Y WF. Go F yourself. I don’t get it. Why can’t be rain without the thunder and sunshine without those harmful uv rays. You got me all pissed and sour, why can’t there be some talking and less shouting. Why can’t you stop complaining because it’s not my fault you have three f monkeys and you have to work till f 10pm. Who the f said you can placed all your fire from work at home. So what, you won’t get pity, no way the obedience if you don’t know how to treat anyone with respect f-er. That’s good bye to haloweeen. If I could choose to be a monster, I might consider you, paint my face as black as thunder and hug tightly to your precious camera. A more positive side of life besides the fact that I’m broke and I have a lousy job, Saturday till Wednesday has been goooood. Saturday was sos where we had a supposedly all girls night, sheena, cleoy, stephaye, Eunice, yao ping all the flower power with the fakies. With us going our separate ways in the end cos we couldn’t find each other in the club. Got the chance to dance with my darling and of course a little catching up, plus plus alan, han yao, shaun, and even sarah who was so so hot! yes, finally alittle clubbing with my bud buds. Well then I made a mistake of… oh nvm… but I’m never going to do that again. Sos could have been better if the music beat was faster, the air con maybe colder and the bar more bartenders with more drinks. I found myself downing dreadful burben so I could dance better. Sunday, busy busy, janesh and I got Ronald a sexy pink auntie one piece suit with extra padding and fags as nipples-nice! Seems like a lot of guys liked the image and all tried it on too. I didn’t expect to have so much fun but it was fun alright, Raymond got me laughing till my stomach ached with the “come come come” and there was that chaomuntising experience. The chocolate cake I bought which someone happily fed to my face, hair, cloths and also contributed a hell lot to me falling down-yupyup but all in good fun. Plus the bruises from platform fighting, the bumpy bike rides from awfully gentlemanly people-that’s got my butt aching, the sore throat from sharing drinks, the little sleep, the games, the sharing and the friends. Then it was my dearest sally’s birthday, good movie, good company, good dinner and most importantly good reminder that you’ve got my back and hey we’re all here for each other- core group buddies. Haha like bryan would say best buddy group leader and partner. Haha. Today it was shopping with lynette, I enjoyed myself, it started with fail that I’ll get hurt once again, but today we started all over I had fun-thank you. Even though I found myself spending money I didn’t have once more. I have got to stop since I’m really really broke now. “People who understand that life isn't about how cool or popular you are, but how happy you really are.” I found this line somewhere on friendster. People should think this way. Past few days has got me thinking, realizing stuff that I never really got down to thinking about. What I really want, what I don’t, what I want to hear from people and what I don’t.

2004-10-23T13:25:00.000+08:00

Searching for signs of life, signs of emotions, hope, in vain. Disillusion-ised once again. Then dismissed as a passing fact of life. Now harmless would be an understatement.

2004-10-23T02:26:00.000+08:00

thinking black boots, hot pants, trucker cap amongst the desirables also coincidentally among the -i- got- to- spend- money- on- other- people person/;)

2004-10-23T01:53:00.000+08:00

It’s Friday night, I’m at home feeling sorry for myself. Ironic, how I contradict myself. As much as I don’t enjoy being at home having late nights, living in my own pathetic online world, I’m still at home- feeling lazy and hoping to sleep soon. Lye shiun is at my place, and I’m thinking so much about yeung. No more late night drinks, no more shopping sprees, how does that song go again. Traveling overseas with her ain’t going to be that easy anymore, it ain’t going to be at least once every holiday. It’s probably be like I’ll fly over to meet you and you’ll fly over to meet me kind of thing. No more, the person who would give me advice on make-up, go shopping with me, I no longer have to keep sleeping on the right side of the bed, no longer have to struggle to get the better half of the blanket, and no one will be kicking your blanket of the bed cos I ain’t going to be there as much as I want to. And I guess few are the days, I’ll confess to you my lil infactuations, my deepest secrets and hear yours till we both just fall asleep. And we won’t be able to bully our sister’s together, tricking them to sleep on the floor so we get the beds, no more stories on animes for me, and no more comics for mei to read and no more free jap to English translations from you with the lovely eyes, distinct voice, my charming companion. *miss miss Day at work, everything was okay till the last few minutes of work, where I managed to get scolded by the chef, cos I asked him a question. Okay he shouted, but I should get used to it, cos that’s the way it goes over there. But what ruined today, was my pink top from UK. Ruined my mood, just didn’t work for me. Was a pretty wasted trip spent money on stuff I didn’t really need or want, didn’t manage to get any birthday presents for the 4 people I owe, nor a slipper, hot skirt, a nice top, a truckier nor a jacket. Wasted time on the trying to find smth at one of the posh shops off Stanford road for some show, I’m still thinking should I take the chance. And yes, it’s at the back of my mind. Guess you realized maybe ain’t your cup. I already know which part of it won’t be filled, though so badly wanting to shoot, afraid it’ll be gone to soon, since things ain’t the same anymore. Just maybe…

2004-10-22T02:37:00.000+08:00

Okay reminiscences. I’m a sicko for that. Went out with pinky today, was reminded of vince- who I’ve known since the start of primary one and we would piss the our Chinese tuiton teachers so bad, we kept changing them. The guy who taught me the existence of street fighter, play station, arsenal. Received a message from friendster from another fella, was reminded of the existence of Spencer- the guy I used to sit next to in primary six. The fella who conditioned an automatic reaction in my body to turn left when I was tapped on the right and vice versa. Stephen called me today, reminded of secondary school life. When scv, gwen, ian, Wilson and i would pon class, pon Chinese, head to the library or somewhere else for some own time own space. We’re going to his place real soon, partaye, I’m the organizer this time. Okay, I’ll stop. I took a gamble today, but it turned out to be a rewarding experience of rickshaw riding, talking, bullying, being bullied, pillow fights, old skool games with your fingers, eating good stuff (spicy tobasco with vinegar was it, chawamushi, ba ku teh) from a surprisingly talented chef, being served, foot massage- basically different fun stuff! I didn’t expect it. The understanding, the accommodation, so yup yup I didn’t waste my Thursday! Been in search of doing things differently. To not fall into the regular pattern of pool, shopping, clubbing, etc. you know what I mean. Been experimenting with colours and weird designs too, I’ll have the cash to flaunt the colours real soon. “I’m beginning to see the big picture. Been wanting to shake my ars on that dance floor for ages, but I surprised myself today by rejecting party invites and company just awhile back. Guess I’m no longer that desperate for the illusions, the need to prove a point and I no longer see the point of It all since, I now know ultimately I’m not looking for such thrills. And company, that counts a lot too. Kaes I’m too sleepy too type anything, just felt the need to cos I was afraid I’ll be too lazy to jot anything down about this absolutely fab day.”

2004-10-18T02:18:00.000+08:00

Aeon:

the cold hard truth is that, we can never do without anything of aesthetic values. because everything that comes across us, are first interpreted by our eyes. would we order something that doesn't look deliciously nice on the menu? most probably not. perhaps, just perhaps, people who does find out a little more before putting a face to the body would just realise that there're much more contentments. It's like a road of discovery. Like the star which hide behind the clouds, turning out to be the shiniest & most beautiful. but how often does someone give time to wait for the clouds to go? and maybe the most beautiful thing is always the hardest and longest to find. cliche it might sound.

2004-10-18T01:24:00.000+08:00

I don’t know, some how at the end of a Sunday looking back I feel like it’s been a bad weekend. Sat’s was a nightmare that bended in the middle, I couldn’t wake up early to study for my paper, got to the exam hall, smoked my way through. Then wasted time and money with drew finding a white top I didn’t like for the finals, then rushing there in a cab to find out that an e-mail that half of us didn’t receive was sent to inform us we didn’t have to wear LEE or a white top. Well, surprisingly people came, thank you kiw, keith and your friends, sexaye steph, darren, surya, andrew, 8tiam and sam. I really appreciate it and I feel like such an ars hole because I’ve been so busy I haven’t got the time to spend with every single one of you. Maybe I should be glad about winning the cash prize but somehow I feel kinda sad cos I just realized that I can’t spend a single cent of it cos of my debts! Still I thank God that I got what I got cos I didn’t see that coming. I shall not mention how I wasted my night away taking cabs, eating and drinking with the intention of getting into a club. To the extent of it being ANY fucking club but not being able to. My Sunday morning could have been better, I feel like such a lousy Christian now. But the tiring morning wasn’t in vain, the words “love never fails” reminded me that even though I have allow myself to lead a fucked up life, with fucked up intentions, his hand ain’t that far away. Then I went out with elohim, and I think I kind of disappointed Audrey a whole lot. I know it. Well at least I got some studying done today with, it was productive yea pretty missy shawny? Now? I guess I’m disappointed. It’s strange how we always get stuff we don’t really want and don’t get the stuff we want. I’m upset, yes, but hey even if I got it in the end, would I have taken it? Haven’t got this feeling for along time. It was nice for awhile. Thanks a lot none the less.

To the people who sms me-really sorry I haven’t been able to reply half of you, my phone bill is alittle too high for comfort this month.

“after the lights, after the party, after the drinks, after the winks, when you’re penniless and you’re all alone. You wonder is it worth it to be wasting your life chasing empty dreams, broken promises and living with false securities. Maybe I’m making it all up, maybe I’m just upset because I ain’t got what I wanted. I thought I had the variety, but ain’t it funny, since there ain’t no wow-aritety, isn’t it irony. I guess it’s his plan I only going to be having two? Eel somehow the thought of it makes me go euuul. I want a few more, to past the time, yet take it seriously, that ain’t too hard a rhyme. I guess what I portray, ain’t going to get me what I want, what a waste of time, effort money. I feel foolish for blindly believing, thinking and hoping that staying in the crowd gona get me going.”

2004-10-16T04:00:00.000+08:00

Stressed is the word. when you realized you didn’t learn what you shoud and it’s alittle too late. Frustration. When you realized you didn’t study smart. Survival. Munching on raisins and trying to draw myself away from the computer. – I can’t study at home. It wasn’t really a waster week, but now I wonder what was I doing?

A few minutes back, I was looking at the photos kim and I took, before and after the haircuts, the first day we hung out, all the silly poses, funny faces, shopping- I didn’t expect it but it just brought a smile to my face. Good memories, bad ones that turned good. I was so inspired to write you a testi bestie, but I accidentally logged out of my friendster, and I’m too lazy to log back in.

Mel mel mel- thanks for help in management, for all the morning calls, for the support, for remembering every detail, all those little things count. It’ll be okay if you can’t come tomorrow, save me the embarrassment of you hearing my lousy china. Haha. Since you’re mel you’re excused. Muacks & bites.

Zhou- I thought you were going to be an ars hole again, by being indecisive, playing me out, but apparently you didn’t. I guess it came at a good time, cos I was wondering what kind of random friendship we had, where we confide each other when we meet and forget about each other when we part. Thank God today you proved me wrong. I guess it ain’t that easy anymore, last year you were just next door, common friends, common job, common study place. Well things ain’t the same anymore, you disappeared for awhile, came up when I was contemplating my break-up with jon, gave me good advice, disappeared again, came up again a month later and we’re all going to Holland again. Maybe nowm different crowds, maybe different places, no more ka jiaoing albert at pet lover’s centre, but I’m glad never too far away. Thanks bud. At least tonight you agreed to come tomorrow, even if you doubt you’ll make it, I’m glad you bothered to think about it. Good enough for me.

I’ve been thinking, most of you are random. And it’s my fault, cos these eyes always drift to higher ground. But I’m not going to make the same mistake again. Never ever going to lose it all.

“today I sat at my newly found favourite spot, legs up at the ledge. My eyes constantly following the fast, flashy cars that drive by. I searched impatiently for that familiar green beetle and the taxis you always come in. Hoping to catch the 2 special people always the back of my mind. Always so near yet so far. Sometimes I see you both online, and I hesitate to strike a conversation in fear of F) what you’ll say, will you unknowingly hurt me once again & M) will I be giving myself a way or will I feel foolish. My mind’s a mess, what’s going through yours?”

Once again I’ve managed to get myself distracted from my studying for my paper in what 5 hours time?

2004-10-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

Alright, it’s kiwi’s fault. I’m so so nervous right now, cos I haven’t found a song yet. Last resort would be yu jian which I haven’t practiced yet. I forgot it’s tomorrow, and actually I had the heck care mentally till, nice people msged me to wish me luck and REMIND me. Sweet still yup, I just want to get this over and done with.

I’ve decided I’m going to study. F the song, I’ll think about it tomorrow.

2004-10-15T03:15:00.000+08:00

Mentally refreshed. There was a whole bunch of messages in my friendster which I had been delaying on reading them, cos I was under the impression that I would be sorely disappointed since we live in such a materialistic world, I being at the top of the list. I was wrong, been receiving a bunch of really neat ones such as this “sadly, not many could be totally unsuperficial. as hard as we might be, do we take a second glance at the pretty shoes behind the glass panel? we do. because they're beautiful. one might ask, how can we compare those of materialistic gains as to how a person looked? they can, because they co-share the basic logic of attraction. it's a society misfunction out there. it's a 'winner gets-all' thing. sigh.” One full of flattery here, cleverly phrased. Nearly missing my point. But some how I’m just glad people understand how I feel about such things and maybe in a way agree. Feeling much better about this world… but haha I’m almost done with all the messages… this people could have just read my profile and came up with some crap to appease me. Since we never do what we preach…I wish someone could prove me wrong.

2004-10-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

sometime i wish i could be naive, and not feel foolish for being one. i wish i could ignore the fact that men are perverted, that physical appearences matter, that people want to be friends with you because... oh nevermind. i guess after all that has happened, things are becoming real clear to me. And the stars ain't what i seek for. The attention you get, plastic. The words people say, superficial. I heard from someone oliver, is that his name? was asked but he rejected the offer. KUDOS to that. I wish i did. wish i could do the same. on hearing that, my impression of him immediately doubled, tripled. Cos i didn't get a good vibe the first time i saw him. ain't it hard when you want something but you don't want to pay the price for it.

i should stop spending money

2004-10-14T02:30:00.000+08:00

Today was an emotional rollercoaster for me. Tears nearly flowed out of my single lids when I left starbucks. If only I could turn back time… We’ve both changed, that’s undeniable. We made mistakes. Please don’t doubt me anymore. I really want things to be better then they were before.

If not for the company I willed myself to be with, it would have rained buckets today. All thanks to my newly founded group of study buddies. And it was good, cos we joked around and stuff and I just felt really comfortable about hanging out with them- I can be myself. Thank you!

What’s new? I got a low paying job. And the only reason I’m staying in the job this time is because I have friends working with me. I’m not very happy about the whole thing cos I’ll be working short hours with little pay. I need something with big bucks and long hours during the holidays, I want something like that. But maybe God has a plan for me… we’ll see… maybe I’m bound to be a pauper… haha what smoke.

Filming, 5 pathetic minutes. 4 lovely people showed up. I didn’t expect the other people to get their friends down but they did. Owells felt alittle weird about it but it was alright. I didn’t think I’ll get the printer but I did. I honestly thought she would get it. I quite enjoyed my last minutes with her cos we were alittle crazy together. And I liked the fact that we really gave each other morale support and there wasn’t an air of competitiveness. Anyway Guess the burden of printing notes for my class shall now be bestowed onto me.

Lastly, after tonight, I received quite abit of messages from total strangers as well as friends request. I guess I should be happy, but I actually find it quite sad. That people keep forgetting looks are only skin deep. Yes first impressions do count but still… if only the way you look didn’t matter…

ONLY HEAR THE GOOD STUFF

2004-10-13T01:38:00.000+08:00

So so happy, I met shauny, zhou, zool and fuming JUST JUST JUST! I so miss my old buds. It was fantastic, hearing about shauny and his gf- that they are doing well, and I have a very good impression of her now, my minds at ease, he’s taking care of her and she him! Caught up with beloved zhou, gave him a piece of my mind, cos he stood me up then we talked, updates and all about his life and mine. Definitely going to meet him real soon again, cos our conversation isn’t done ;) Zool, never too close yet oh so comfortable and extremely full of crap and fun. And fuming, familiar. The only 3 missing to the puzzle, lynette, han yew and zi xiong… moley moley mole. I guess I’m high, alcohol makes me high, yesyes, but I’ll trade this for the high feeling I get when I meet up with my friends anyday anytime. I just get all fuzzed up when I can feel so comfortable with people, help them out with their issues, we all smile and most importantly share, like I know what’s going on at least and that sets my mind at ease. Today’s been good I guess, real good. Debbie msged me again, talked with brans abit plus I found out why Joel’s been weird. & mel mel thanks for the minus one stuff! Thanks for being so supportive of everything I do, even when I don’t feel like doing it anymore, your support really encourages me to carry on. Plus I found a job or I hope I can get it… at crustacean, the dilemma over brojangles and this is over. Though the pay’s alittle low well it’ll do. Not forgetting dinner with drew, spicy spicy food and gordan and horny botak. I guess I didn’t exactly help drew a lot, but I’m glad he’s got most stuff sorted out will devout more time to you after my papers, remind you what’s it’s like to be swinging single! Chicken rice Thursday in December! Got to go bath, start scrimping (cos I spent a hell unnecessary lot today again) and remain alil high.

Evelyn sent me this (I especially find comfort in the part persecuted but not forsaken): 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 7 But we have this treasure in (20) earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of (21) the power will be of God and not from ourselves; 8 we are (22) afflicted in every way, but not (23) crushed; (24) perplexed, but not despairing; 9 (25) persecuted, but not (26) forsaken; (27) struck down, but not destroyed; 10 (28) always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that (29) the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

2004-10-12T13:44:00.000+08:00

Was thinking today, I was afraid actually to go any further. I’m not used to getting infatuated with someone and someone liking back. However this time things are more complicated, since only one of us know and I guess time will tell.

Sometimes we run from the truth, afraid of it, avoiding the consequences that may come in the future. But deep down inside, we know it’s all unavoidable. Deborah my sweet sweet honey pie, refreshed me spiritually and emotionally today, with a 6 part msg all the way from nz. She reminded me something, that I got to face my fears, find the problem because if they you don’t know the problem, you’ll never be able to come up with a solution. It’s like poison, the longer it’s in your body, the deadlier the effects.

I think this will be my last blog message you’ll be able to find, I’m sick of typing stuff and having to worry who reads them. Or maybe not.

2004-10-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

3things I saw today 1. Been noticing this old man under my block for quite abit. When my parents weren’t around, I would leave the house at 11 pm, he would be there, come back at 2 pm he would be there, leave the house shortly afterwards and arrive home at 6 am he’ll also be there. Today I came home at half past 12 he was there again.Could he be a vagrant? He’s well dressed, clean and shaven. Dose he go home in the day and sleep outside in the night cos some son’s wife wouldn’t have him under her roof, guess my imagination is running wild. I don’t know, I feel like doing something for him. Like dropping a nice bowl of fish porridge for him for dinner or supper. But I don’t know how he’ll take it, since every man’s got their pride. 2. The toilet smelt funny, there was a suitcase beside it, that smelt funny, my room smelt funny, cos of poor ventilation under the aircon- I have guest. Well, I hope someone like that stays for good, mum should go get a job, leave me alone, and I don’t have to sweep the floor anymore. Jealous dre? 3. I can’t remember what’s the last thing, the only thing I know is that I’m almost penniless and I need a job.

C&C

2004-10-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

Contradict and complain Exams are coming and I just can’t wait for the holidays. Been checking out juice, all the upcoming parties! Just today I had to turn to down a movie at Joel’s friend’s place, so rare- CAN’T GO! and the tiger beer party which I try to console myself that only uncle’s go. Though XQ was tempting me with her free tickets and good company that leave near me, 6th avenue and drive fast cars. If they didn’t call me out, remind me what I’m missing, I doubt I’ll feel as lousy as I feel now. I’ve got chris work ahead and a Monday morning paper which I have just just started learning from scratch. All of which I’m so tempted to forget but yes I’m reminded my dad’s been angry with me today and he’s given me a curfew. My Sunday’s already burnt with cor and meetings, so I can’t do my work tomorrow. Yes complain complain complain, when i’m stuck at home on a Saturday that’s what I do best.

Had a serious talk with Chris today, and he’s decided not to recommend me for LEAP this year. In a way it’s a good thing cos I knew I wasn’t ready considering my current road, but still I cringe because hey it’s LEAP after all, something I know if when on the right track I’ll do well in. I guess I want to serve, the 17-20th thing and elohim is something I’m already in but somehow I rather LEAP cos LEAP is some what like an every week thing, where as 17-20th pops up here and there and so does elohim. But I know I’m not ready. Well at least the weekly thing on Saturday is. I guess I’m not making much sense. Cos LEAP and e rest are probably about the same just the level gets higher. Come to think of it, I don’t want any of these. I want to drift further and further away, enjoy myself, make more fun out of my Saturdays, work etc- I know I’m wrong.

You appear inside, and you don’t go away, always at the back of my mind. It’s like poison, cos I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if I forget, I’ll regret. Which most of the time is the case. I wish she’ll never come up again, cos she’s in the way. But then again, her presence just shows that the picture ain’t inspiring enough and thus won’t last. The colours will fade, the paint crack even before the picture is done.

2004-10-09T03:21:00.000+08:00

"Today I found something that I bet the writer never expected I would have found- purely coincidental actually. Haha. Love is such a strange thing, today I realized the perfect picture was almost painted. This is what happens when people don’t say how they truly feel. Perfect brand new bristles just waiting to add vibrant colours on the canvas. The perfect paint set all ready for use, with only the best quality paints and only the most number of colours ever. Ready to nearly inspire someone else. Today I think it didn’t happen. Well it almost did cos things we well mutual, well but you didn’t know. Neither did i. I don’t know what will happen next, hey I was ready to leave it behind, now I ain’t that sure. You say you’re trying your best to prevent things, you’ve got your reasons, understood. Oh well we’ll see how things go. I’m just glad something nearly happened. It’s beautiful enough for me." Abstract from crash and burn

2004-10-09T02:01:00.000+08:00

ENOUGH OF FUCKING MEDIA SHIT-RING ME IF YOU SPEAK ENGLISH- well it’s a naïve though since you don’t go far if you don’t speak china or go Chinese.. ching chiong chang sam… haha… but I guess after trying so much, it was real fun, I got what I was looking for, experience and and abit more, criticism and childish thoughtless comments, bad pictures… It hasn’t ended yet, but on the whole I’ve learnt some pretty neat stuff about myself.

Strange strange strange… people that know nuts about us, hear little from you are always the first to make negative judgment. I’m disappointed that a friend could say such things. But well that’s life. You’ve got to take the impossible if you want to keep them. Had a few frustrating moments and yet some rewarding moments just this week alone with some friends of mine. Ben must be appalled by all the problems I have, haha cos both times I met him I would leave him mid way to have a private conversation with whoever’s on the line. Frustrating when they piss you off really badly and you’re just hurting inside but you want so badly to keep the friendship so you just shut up and take it all in, you’re afraid to open your mouth cos you know unpleasant words will just come out. Well those unpleasant words and unhelpful remarks will definitely make you few better but yea you can’t afford the consequences. A thousand of times I have made the mistake of opening my big fat mouth, this week I kept it shut. We talked things out in the end and yes kiss and make up kind of thing happened in the end. Rewarding- when your friends are troubled they come to you. Yes they stress you out with their sometimes boring problems hey but I just melt up inside cos I thank God they realize I care and they trust me enough to come to me. Sweet sweet sweet. Friends are for life! Their for keeps yet oh so hard to keep sometimes. Just like a relationship with someone else, just that you’ve got many of them and you don’t really hear from all of them everyday.

Me and relationships? I’m becoming a mockery. I’m like a fisherman, that puts fried chicken wing on my small hook, the fish don’t like no fried chicken they want some sotong or some bloody cockles, hey I know that but I still leave my fried chicken wing. It’s just a longer wait, I’m waiting for someone who fits the bill, likes my bait and bothers to bite. It’s a small hook, I don’t mind catching something small, but you got to like chicken wing ;)

broke!!!

2004-10-06T20:55:00.000+08:00

I'm at the station now,feeling pretty excited. Went for some shopping with Kim today, it was pretty good, bought an overpriced tee-guess, and there are so muchy more stuff i want to get. Was looking for a trucker cap today, pretty diappointed i couldn't find a unique one. I don't mind paying a hundred if i can get something i won't see someone else on the street wearing. Well a hundred then i'll be broke. I NEED A JOB!!! Thank God the hols are coming i intend to work my ars off, anyone has a nice clean job that pays well to offer?!

Besides that i met jon today, he came at a bad time cos kim and i were talking out some issues we had (sigh i love you kim thanks for being so patient and understanding! You, Mel and Janet mean the world to me, fuck guys) well anyway regarding jon, i don't know why but i can't help feeling like we were a big mistake. And i just forget actually how sweet and hopelessly romantic a boyfriend he was. but still feeling disgusted...

recording is almost ending, and i'm so so touched that my long lost mates actually found out about the recording, since i haven't been in contact with them for months and chia min and hue min actuall smsed in. I feel so bad for neglecting them all... i hope you had a good laugh listening tonight!

2004-10-06T01:50:00.000+08:00

Even thought things around ain’t that pleasant and even though I’ve placed myself in situations I don’t want to be- just a short talk with my girlfriends can refresh me mentally and feel the heart of despair with hope. Today Melissa and Kimberly wrote some lyrics in Chinese for me, reminded me what hue min used to do for me. And it just brings tears to my eyes, I cannot believe that I’ve been so caught up with everything, I haven’t got the time to meet her yet. Chatting with her online right now, I just feel like hugging her and never letting go. Coincidentally she heard me on 88.3 once, haha and she was like thinking, no no can’t be faith. The Chinese is too good. Haha. Well I had the wonderful help of hanyu pinyin even though I pronounced a lot of stuff wrong, the thing about Chinese is that when u pronounce the words wrongly, it can be accepted as another Chinese word. Owells…

2004-10-05T02:54:00.000+08:00

Been looking at my bud’s ex flames pics and she’s oh so hot hot hot! Sigh I’m green eyed all over, haha but don’t worry I’ll just be for awhile. Been trying to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous but no way hoe say it ain’t happening.

Today I caught white chicks and I guess it was pretty good, but something was bothering me so I wasn’t able to enjoy the show. Surprisingly, I caught it with ben, cliff and kim, and I went with ben to coffee bean after to chill till past twelve. It wasn’t too bad, managed to squeeze some mugging on the train in the afternoon. 88.3 sent me on an unnecessary wild goose chase to find some hair stylist then to town, the glam glam at mandarin hotel was worth it though. About time, after the cab fare and all the hectic running from north to south around the island. Some experience, got me inspired to spend money on make up again, even though I’m nt very interested in glam glam. I think I’m going to spend a bomb on Wednesday when I meet kim for some shopping. Things on my list brownish eyeshadow, shiny golden beige eye shadow, liquid eye liner, foundation and loose powder.That would be a total of 180 thank you! Well maybe I’ll just buy my eyeliner. What’s next on my shopping list? Jeans material mini skirt, nice top and lil hand bag with intricate designs with a good good brand. Matthew if you’re reading this, I found someone who bought the top at mango with the lace… shit that means it’s no longer mine. Plus I need a cap so I don’t have to do anything with my hair in the morning. Ohh a cardigan as well… my shopping adventures boring you yet? Shit I’m like so like becoming like a bimbo you know? Like what’s wrong? Er what did I just say? I’m like totally… Someone quick shake me back to reality. Remind me looks are only skin deep!

gimme my flaming debbie anytime

2004-10-04T05:34:00.000+08:00

I have to sleep soon, but talking to Darren put me in such a good mood. He was talking about his chalet, the one I missed argh! Anyway it was a funny chat. Talking about a friend, thinking back, though I was disgusted it was dam funny the way he was alil feminine and egoistic all over. Saying stuff like I could have sworn faith and tham wanted a piece of me. Haha. Oh and ronald’s all better with his girl and I feel happy for him. Cos he sounded so sad the last time I felt bad for having so much fun. I’m chatting while typing this so my speech mayb get a little distorted and don’t make no sense. Just found out Ash cute, manja dog’s gone missing. Oh man. The dog is the like the sweetest stuff ever. She has a way of telling you what she wants and getting it. Remind me of the time I spent like 4 hours looking for Jody, Joel’s dog from 12-4 am in the morning. And we still didn’t find her. Until the next morning, I got up early and went to the petshop to ask around then i got lucky cos a really sweet lady did bring jody home after she tried to chase a taxi on the road nearly causing a collision. The reaction on Joel’s face when he saw Jody made it feel good to do something good. On a more positive note, Debbie’s online! I’m feeling so fucking high. Haha. I miss her so much. Should go visit her… then go broke. I don’t mind. Just live on the streets, beg for some money, eat all the burgers I can eat, bu all the apricots and raisins possible. Maybe play in the snow. Walk on the road to catch a glimpse of some possums or rabbits. Buy a whistle to go ka jiao the sheep dog. I miss the flame-a-licious, explodable kiwilander, possible star player in the all blacker contact team for ladeess, my beautiful angel debie the un-dubious. I ain’t tigger happy, I’ve just been drinking too much flaming debbies.

2004-10-03T03:49:00.000+08:00

I just checked up the miw website again, after a long time. Oh man I’m last this time! Seriously, I’m struggling, to tell my friends and save myself from last place or to just heck care and stay last. What’s the biggy biggy deal? I think I’m just going to publicize myself in my own blog. Talk about free advertising. Haha. Yes I need you you and you cos the pic on the website sucks and ppl there only know how to judge you by how you look! http://www.miw.com.sg/Mindef/CampBabes/Intro/voteIntro

I don’t know, I totally agree that only looks are only skin deep and yet I find myself stuck in enough competitions- all on appearances. I’ve once again dug my own hole and fell right in. Sometimes I don’t know why I let myself into such situations, besides prizes and experience what else can I gain? Maybe make myself think I’m beautiful cos I managed to get in when their like more then a zillion out there that can look better. Later feel stupid cos everybody else will say chio meh, I think so and so more chio etc etc. Chinese saying “yi san be yi san gao” there’s always a taller mountain basically.

Darren’s party- the BOMB. But unfortunately I made the dumb decision of leaving midway, imposing on others in the process. But bumkins, I’m glad you had fun. The food was abundant, I had fun cooking it with maria oops mannie making all the satay nice and crispy, jia pa lung-ing everything. Sigh, missed the mahjong, bonding with steph, getting to know Ju, your friends, the drinks, the food, my bumkins company, jogging… sorry Darren!

Had a good time today bonding with Kim though we didn’t get to shop much we had a fantastically overpriced meal of fish and chips at taka. Shop Shop SHOP! Then I made the dumb choice of bringing Kim over to meet the guys who seem to have no idea how to react when they see a girl. So un-gentlemanly, embarrassing and disappointing. I’m glad Kim was understanding. I love that girl to bits though we have our ups and downs.

A little worried for a particular friend. Whom I’ve been neglecting. Sigh I’m here for you, and still very worried. Fill me in. Gimme a call, Cheer up, we’ll go for some ice cream, some bowling, some brekos, some pool, anything that will make you smile again!

2004-10-01T04:09:00.000+08:00

Thursday Bummed around dre’s house playing mahjong, movies, snacking, cards and even playing with his shaving cream. Got home just in time to welcome my parents back. 630 am. Initially I wanted to head to china black to meet stevie, but turned out the ppl I was to go with cancelled the thing so I couldn’t meet stevie in the end. Sigh I miss that ars, the experiences he used to have, even the bragging…

Had to go down to the atrium for the filming. And the most memorable thing about the whole thing was the fact that my friends turned up! Some triumver rockables, class girls, my bestie-kim(smile babe), daryl, wins, darren, benita, my friends who just happened to pass by but decided to stay a while longer for me, so sweeeet and last but not least han yao! Really touched what han yao did for me, reminded me why I rely on u and zhou so much again, at a time when I was fucking pissed with zhou over our last Holland trip. Han yao thank you for reminding me how you always stood by me, sigh I miss hanging out with you and lynette so much!

Watched mama mia today at the esplanade. It was alright I guess, the highlight for me was the lives of the rich and famous, all the cars in the lots, oh man I’m green eyed all over.

Sick of blogging!

2004-09-29T21:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I made a mistake, today I did so again. If only we all said what we really felt, things wouldn’t be like that. Yes, you’ve been patient, yes, you’ve been kind. But hold-up, you didn’t wait.

Been neglecting all the friends that came into my life, they decided to walk out. I wish i knew before hand...

2004-09-28T01:08:00.000+08:00

2 weeks have almost flashed past me, I’ll be living in denial if I said it was forgettable. All the early mornings, partying till dawn, playing majong till 5am, 2am walks, supper, pool, Melissa’s concert, early morning movies, not forgetting filming, haircuts and most importantly all the stuff I’ve realized. Yes blessed! Blessed cos of TB25, cos of the opportunities given, the people I’ve met and the list goes on.

How did the filming go? I wouldn’t say I was prepared for what I was going to do, assets wise, fats wise no way. I didn’t even know the time I was suppose to meet Bernard till an hour before the whole thing. The girls were great, I just told mel an hour before the whole thing and she told the girls to be there for me. I simply love you all to bits. Made me feel more confident and trust me I needed that. Thank yews! Basically they didn’t give me a choice and forced me into a very uncomfortable position but owells the crew wasn’t so bad, the hosts were actually very very nice. I don’t know how the thing will come out, sigh, just got to hope for the best.

Well I cooked 3in1 Macaroni and cheese today, feeling all good and fat all over. I simply love my fridge, and I’m sure Darren, Brandon, my class, Winnie and the rest of tb26 and even andre loves it too. All the food (Pizza, chocolate, cheese, drinks, sasauges, low fat chips) I’ve been passing around. Just a few days back my fridge had every breakfast drink ever. Yoghurt Mango milk, yoghurt strawberry milk. chocolate milk, organic milk, So good soya bean in all 3 flavours, yakult, vitagen, Marigold soya bean, apple, orange, mango, berry juice… something worth competing about… haha :P (Cheap thrill) well I shan’t boast no more… got a whole load of work to do, chris plus my test to study for, plus all the housework that’s gon2be done before they come back… and to think the last time something like this happened you stayed over, looking back it wasn’t an experience I ever want to remember, I don’t know, maybe you were a waste of my time, money and not worth all the friends I left behind…

2004-09-22T13:39:00.000+08:00

“ Bête’s been living in a world of her own. Believing in the stuff the naïve and gullible did, the stuff she wanted to. Now her world’ s falling apart right in front of her. The people she thought were there, never were. The people she wanted to follow, her idols, shun her. The human mind is never satisfied, you may be on the top of the world but you never knew till you found the snow beneath your feet give way. Bête bête, open your eyes. You will see that life’s missing something. You’ve placed your hopes in false securities and their turning on you. You think you want something, without thinking about the strings that come along with it.” Abstract from Crash and burn.

Beginning to think that nothing can be beautiful and perfect at the same time in this world. Everything beautiful, is scarred by the mark of sin. However sin is essential for us to notice the pure. I’m searching for something perfect, anything perfect. While waiting for the time when beautiful and perfect come hand in hand.

i miss the good ol times, i miss andre,i miss xin,i miss netty,deb,alan,zi xiong,leslie,nicky,hue min,kaiting,si hui,yeung... e rest of my past!

2004-09-21T13:44:00.000+08:00

me: having ur hols soon right??? come come singapura.. oh singapura sunny island set in the sea..

Andre: oohrs .. me c me c .. hahaha! sae till like that mans! loL

me: singapure oh singapura.. sunny island for u and me.. hahhaa

Andre: tempting mans~ hahaha da song nice song la i know .. yeahps ..

Andre: sigh .. u take good care mans there are plenty of fishes in the seaaaa as many as the tree in the forest althou the fishes are being caught and trees being cut down .. still there are plenty no worries k!

me: yea..not looking la..i like being single miss ya.. u take lotsa lotsa care uncle...

Andre: yuupies! u too kaes! miss ya too! auntie dudette

2004-09-21T13:30:00.000+08:00

Morning people. Finding myself all so fired up about writing recently, yar so I juts blog some of it. Woke up on my own accord again, been doing it a lot lately, it’s like I’ve got no school. Only been hearing my alarm during the weekend. Feels so good to live on your own once in awhile, even doing the laundry ain’t that bad. Go home when you like, only waking up when you feel like it… so so shiok. Watched Jamie’s kitchen today, wonderful the way he took under his care 15 people who knew nuts about being a chef to parent them till they become one. It’s a lovely lovely day. When I wake up in the morning, when the sun hits my eye… words from some song on the radio. Was closely investigating Debbie’s photos that she sent. Hmm… black stockings, short skirts even with your curfew hey you’re having a good time. We know your love for drinking, booze cheap? Don’t get a beer belly yea? Quick come back and infect some new zea-lander fashion over. Oh and I have to mention your room is so neat, that’s if it’s your room. Haha. Cos if you know Debbie, neat and deb plus an atomic explosion well they just don’t come hand in hand. Sigh I just miss you so much. I wish you were here right now, I’ll pass you the ice after the shower for your pores. We could just sit on some slide near the pool, watch the stars, share with each other our lives, cry. Or you can just give me a good book to read and I’ll completely ignore you. Haha. Well hey at least send a book over to replace yourself!!! Haha. Loving you and missing you to pieces, till you get back give me some shit and we quarrel again. Haha. So much has changed, so much…

2004-09-21T02:32:00.000+08:00

Feeling all fattened up right now, thanks to my lovely aunty cum second mummy who found out mei and I only had microwaved pizza at home. She bought the whole market place for us, cheese, more cheese, my favourite youghurt, all kinds of milk, chocolates, tuna, lasagna… ooo your mouth watering yet? Haha. Food makes me happy! Well anyway today was funny. I though class started at 3 when actually it started at 2. So I got to class at 330 after hanging out with Brandon for awhile at HV and half an hour later I was wondering why the air con zonked out so soon. Then it hit me, why eveline called me a couple of times (thanks for your concern), why presentation ended so quickly, why my lecturer wanted to mark me absent for being late by 1 minute. Foolish foolish owells. Had my macro paper afterewards and usually I don’t talk abt anything that’s got to do with my studies but I have to mention today’s paper. So the usual I studied less then half the work, but this time I left close to half blank! Yes dumb, really wasn’t in the mood. Got sick of crapping after awhile cos the paper was so darn easy but I didn’t study and forgot all my form-u-laces… heard the lecturer. “ last 12 mins, reminder that you can’t leave during the last ten minutes” and I thought fuck it, hand up and fuck flunk. Sayunara smu. Haha. Guess I’ve got to start mugging when they get back ;)

Ooo ya, been having too much late nights and not bathing till when I wake up cos I’m so zonked out that I’m starting to get rashes. Haha dirty dirty. Or I’m just eating too much junk at home cos there’s no proper person to cook- I’m getting allergic to something!!! Maria maria where are you? *scratch scratch

Just found out I think there’s more voting going on at the radio station thing. Sucky. It’s my downfall. The photo is sooo disgusting I don’t even want to look at myself. http://www.miw.com.sg/Mindef/CampBabes/Intro/voteIntro yes yes vote vote. I’m desperate not to come in last again. Oh yar and to all my friends, please try to make it for the finals

Finals: 16 Oct 2004 8pm Venue: Safra Town Club 29 Carpenter Street

I don’t wana stand in front of a crowd full of strangers like the last time. It would be scary and I get stage fright!

2004-09-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

My Saturday wasn’t exactly a breeze like I had wanted for it to be. I woke up late for touch. But had fun talking to the girls. Made kiwi travel all e way to Yio Chu Kang to watch a rugby match with keith and I, which wasn’t exactly very interesting because I could barely see what the players were doing. Then we left for town, typical, so the outing wasn’t as interesting as I intended it to be. Rushed home to change then rushed out to find that the flower shop which I ordered flowers from was close. (BIG DISAPOINTMENT) Wasted cash on cab fare, wanted to watch mel sing but missed it cos the cabby couldn’t find the place. So I ended up without flowers and with a hole in my pocket & most importantly I didn’t get to hear mel sing!!! Encore!!! Felt very guilty at that time, but mel was so sweet. She didn’t get angry, which made me feel even more guilty. Then headed to SCC for awhile, got teased by Damien and another fella. Darrell was high and walking all wobbly, pretty funny. Then we headed to Zouk- manfred’s birthday. I had a lot to drink. Let me see, 2 beers at scc club first, 3 pineapple malibu’s, 1 flaming Lamborghini, Ribena Vodka and 2 sex on the beaches. Surprisingly I didn’t puke, just very high and a little tipsy. Had some problems getting in initially, the bouncer wasn’t convinced that I was Rebecca and refused to return me her id. Had to travel out to get more id’s from Rebecca, which photos only made it more clear I wasn’t her. Well luckily, when I got back, Andrew knew the superior bouncer and helped me get Rebecca’s id back without me having to flash her other ids. Ash had to call his friend to get me in and the way I got in was too pure luck. On the dance floor, it was funny to see Manfred all high and alil more in touch with his feminine side- cute. I did really dumb stuff too, thinking about it, makes me feel like such an idiot! Good things and bad things came out of it all. Got home safely thanks to my 3 body guards, Joel, Brandon and Ash- sorry about everything. Thank yewwwss so much!

Sunday, the con of being lazy. Mei and I ate microwave pizza for lunch and dinner. I’m sick of pizza’s now. Had a fab conversation with Kim in the afternoon , who managed to cheer me up and stop those tears. I hope I was of help too. Stay true yea, shop shop shop real soon. My fingers are really itching and I need smth to cheer me up- retail therapy!

2004-09-17T19:43:00.000+08:00

Tequila+ Flaming Lamborghini+ bourbon= High & Happy It was wild, it was a crazy idea, to walk out of that door on a Friday morning when you just left three hours ago. But it was good.

It ain’t sunny on my side anymore, it would have been beautiful. But strangely, as much as I want it to work out, I find myself losing interest, in the things that used to be the highlight of my life. What do you do, when you have done your experiments, and got an unpleasant conclusion.

2004-09-16T21:51:00.000+08:00

Camp babe wasn’t so bad. Kim and I sang together, although we were pretty kan jiong on stage, I just felt that it was a beautiful thing that we got through the tekong thing over TOGETHER. Just got a call from Jeff, and I got in. Mixed feelings about it all. Don’t know who else is going to get in yet. So far only Karen me and cara, but fingers crossed KIM KIM KIM! Otherwise it’s pretty pointless for me to stay in the competition. Hate such stuff anyway, I get shy around big crowds. Smth good happened yesterday as well, I was at Kim’s place, checking out her wardrobe, photos etc. We didn’t end up studying but talking a lot instead. I really enjoyed our conversation, it’s nice to just sit down and talk, catch up. Thinking of it now, reminds me how blessed I am to have such a close friend that can tahan my nonsense and want as badly as me to see that things work out.

Today started off on a bad note, had a test at ten, but I woke up at 1005. Got to sch half an hour late, but the paper wasn’t so bad. Afterwards, I broke my slipper, in the pouring rain. Next stupid thing I did, bought a casual slipper, for 30 bucks. Less then an hour later, I regretted my buy, cos it wasn’t comfortable at all Sigh a common mistake I make- wrong, costly buys. Brandon received comedy hour today, free of charge watching me play pool. I can’t get my physics right. And choosing shoes. Haha.

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you" (Psalm 9:9-10, NIV).

2004-09-15T02:58:00.000+08:00

" .. Peharps next time I'll be able to solve the riddle of the Sphinx. Only its harder than any riddle the Sphinx could devise.

Because the Sphinx not only knew the answer, she knew what the riddle was. Women know neither....

They only know, like men, that there is a riddle, and the man they're with has to solve it for him to be worthy of their love...." (extract from Tim Lott")

Wei wrote this in his blog. And as much as I would like to disagree with it I can’t say that most of the time it’s isn’t true. SEXIST still. But anyway if what he says is true, I’ll like to define the man : as the unselfish lover that meaning male or female. while women : the selfish lovers, who are only wiling to love after their sure the opposite sex is giving more (very common). There’s abit of man and women in all of us.

2004-09-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

Ode to foolishness I can’t forget or forgive myself. I’ve caused you to go through a confusing set of emotions. Unintentionally, unknowingly hurting her in the process. Maybe not yet, I’m not sure. I know now what happen a month back, and I’m pretty sure my guess about what’s going on currently is spot on. I’m sorry. Whenever I think about it, I feel somewhere in between whore and bitch. The first time, I feel so deserving of the title. What am I going to say to you when I see you?

Tomorrow, I’ll have to go to Tekong for some dumb camp contest. It’s plain stupid. We get unflattering jeans, that make us look horrible, we’ve got to do a one minute performance in chinese and a whole horde of desperate guys with lust in their eyes staring at us. Haha. Yes I’m in a bad mood. And i’m totally unprepared for something I was somewhat forced into without knowing exactly what I had to do. The only good thing about it, is that it’s a whole new experience (just love the thrill, adrenaline rush and the kick of foolish fear) and a beautiful swan- my bestie will be with me. Well, I hope I don’t screw up.

Recived some photos from Deborah today, so so happy. I miss that my angel so much. I wish she could be right next to me right now, so I can just cry on her shoulder and feel all better after that. I’ll be praying hard that when she comes back, we’ll be all good.

“Stop shouting at me and demanding your royal demands to be done like yesterday. One minute you go all scary on people, the next you become nice. So temperamental. And so hard to tahan you when I’m in a fucking bad mood! Argh!”

For Darren- When are we going jogging? We keep failing each other bumkins. All talk but no action-sounds good. Haha. Think we got to take more of those mints u have in hand. haha

2004-09-14T13:14:00.000+08:00

Niko’s gone. It’s surpising how people just appear and disappear from your eyes in the blink of an eye. And I didn’t even realize he was gone till he was. Flew back to Washington. Very soon, Deborah my atomic, highly flammable, temperamental confidant will be back and I’ll have that familiar shoulder to cry on and someone to boost my spiritual stability. Hope things won’t screw up like the last time. Plus Lynette will be back too. We’ll have loads to catch up on, busy busy helping her pack and organize her stuff in her new home at sixth avenue, play with big ol rambutan and brownie, her two dogs- Alaskan malamute and cocker spaniel! And when I meet up with her, I’ll also be seeing Alan, Han Yao, Zi Xiong, Brian, Nicky, Norman, Lu Ping and the rest a lot more. I sure hope things will work out. Brandon’s been saying that recently I’ve only been blogging about bad stuff, sweet of him to be concern, but anyway it ain’t true that only bad stuff happen. =) Going for a jog with bumkins later, I hope we don’t give up before we even start. Haha. The last time I went jogging, I never got pass the gate of my house. Then maybe we’ll go for some haigan daz to reward ourselves after haha ;)

2004-09-14T02:00:00.000+08:00

Went to pizza hut with Joel today, and I met good old Riduwan the rat there. I miss that fella! He and Ian used to the two monkey’s of the class. He so happen to be working there again, and he passed me a discount voucher under the bill. How sweet is that. I was seriously touched! Yar, I miss the arfeefah boy! Haha. Anyway Joel and I had a super cheesy pizza, it was so so good. All that mozzarella. So gelate. Feeling like I’ve got too much fats on me now. Haha.

“ It’s sad, can’t you ever get the burger without the bun, the chicken pie without the chicken, the chilli without the spice. I wish that sometimes we could do things without having to take responsibilities. To enjoy the cuddles, share affection, without having to pay it with commitment. Because when you see the commitment you realize things won’t work out after all. I got pretty disappointed today, I realized my life’s a mockery. You play the guessing game. You find the answer. And now you don’t want what you wanted so badly before. Soon you’ll regret letting go of your last decision to give it up. And at the end of the day, you’re an un-satisfied person. God’s mocking me. He’s given me so much at me feet, but not a heart that will appreciate? I want to, I really do but I also know there’s no point lying to myself. ”

Wei said something a week back which I totally agree now. Looks are not only skin deep. The sad fact is that how you look affects, the way people treat you and the amount of attention you get. Undeniably first impressions do count. I’m not against it. But sometimes I think is a real pity that people want to be friends with you just because of the way you look, the amount of money you have in your pocket, your status, the way you dress, the assets you have. I wish that the world would make a conscience effort to judge people not by the way they look, or the things other people say, but from a first hand point of view. Can it be that hard?

“ Feeling like a fucking whore. Freaking pissed. I should have seen the signs. I’m glad it’s not too late. I blindly dug the hole to my own grave, and you didn’t say a thing. I wish you told me. I don’t want to be the in between, how the hell am I going to mend the fucking hole now. I guess it’s stupid, since I haven’t clarified things with you, should i? Every things falling into place now.” How the hell am I suppose to stop saying fuck.

2004-09-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

Yesterday at Joel’s army gathering was good. The party was good, Joel made a really good video which I believe was the highlight of the event, oh besides the whip cream game. Although initially I felt pretty lost, because I didn’t know anyone. Plus Joel was pretty busy. But it was all good afterwards, some of us went to tango’s for more drinks. Joel, Ben and I spent half of our time walking over to Wala’s to be awarded with many successful attempts to catch the band during their break. Bummer! Oh and I met Kiwi and Keith too, though we didn’t really talk. Owells- Saturday afternoon yea?

“ Alcohol. Well, we can all fool ourselves by saying it’s good for our blood circulation, it doesn’t make us fat, it’s as cheap as water, it doesn’t give us headaches, it doesn’t make us puke. I don’t know really. Sometimes I ask myself what’s the point? ”

Today, Kim and I went to Chinatown, to choose our free LEE jeans. Yucks. I’m pretty disappointed because all 12 girls must wear a different pair of jeans. And Lee has pathetic cuts. I came abit too late. I was left with a pathetic variety, extremely unflattering cuts and more high cut pieces of garbage. All the more to regret. To sum it all, it was a waste of time. Plus I’ve got to come up with a one minute performance. WHAT?!

“ It’s funny. I was reminded again about the cons of being single. Sigh I miss snuggling, kisses, the warmth of someone else’s hand in yours. His arm on your waist guiding you across the crowded room. Yup, all the little things that we often fail to appreciate once we’re in a relationship. Like what Al would say- fuzzy-ness. But am I ready for another one? ”

“ It’s strange, I find myself staring wishfully at the screen. Hoping, just hoping… And then when I think about it, I ask myself you sure you want it? I wish I knew… ”

2004-09-11T17:27:00.000+08:00

Feeling pretty moody and fretful today. Not surprising really, because I have been doing work for Chris for almost my entire Saturday. Freaking stressful and I always get irritated when people disturb me midway. I haven’t completed it yet, still got a long way to go. Feel like crying. Sob. Moreover, I’ve got a lot of school work which I was suppose to hand in two weeks ago- I haven’t started on. And a poa test on Monday I’m barely started on. Plus u’re upset with me. I’m not sure why. I know you really want me to accompany you to the event. But I’m really not sure if I can. And if told you see first you’ll get even more irritated. Over all I have a freaking busy weekend, none related to school work, none I can cancel and I’m feeling freaking stressed cos I’ve got a lot of sch work to do, which I can only start doing on Monday. I was about to scold F but I’m just going to say shucks. Yesterday, I helped Brandon out with his integration. Then caught some dumb movie Bing made us watch in the school library. After, we went to Holland for BK then some drinks at Wala Wala. Christian’s treat! I had to leave early, SADLY. Barely heard the band cos wala wala was packed, and we went downstairs. When some of us decided to go up for awhile, the band took a break. Yar so it was a pity! I couldn’t stay for the 10pm performance cos I had to go home to psych myself up for Saturday’s work. BUMMER. I got back red faced, and my dad asked me if went drinking. Feel so lousy for lying to him, made my day even worse. Sigh. Waiting for the opportunity to tell him the truth. Thank God I only drank abit of Hoegaarden and some other stuff. Couldn’t really enjoy myself at wala wala’s either cos I was thinking of my poa the whole time. After my last series of test, I’ve decided to take my grades seriously. Need to score and go somewhere! Haha, I sound so hardworking. Owells, looking forward to phuture next Saturday. Go to go get ready, Joel’s picking e up at 6 for the gathering. Mixed emotions, I feel pretty excited, not very confident and still worried about the predicaments I’ve put myself into.

Russian School Seizure

2004-09-10T01:41:00.000+08:00

Today, I was just relaxing on my couch when the television showed scenes from the hostage standoff at a school in Beslan, southern Russia. Images of topless children, bleeding all over, being carried away to a place of safety. Grieving mothers, sprawled over the lifeless bodies of the ones who once brought colour into their lives. All the dead lives just to make a statement? I’m pretty surprised how come the government has placed so little light on such a situation. It’s amazing that when something big happens they put it in small print so as not to cause the entire island to be in a state of panick. I guess I haven’t been reading the papers much, in fact I barely have the time, but it seems like there is terrorism in every country. Bomb blast etc. Nowhere is safe to travel. Haha. Hey but the papers use small print so maybe it’s okay after all.

2004-09-09T21:42:00.000+08:00

Fucking fucking fucking pissed. Ass hole, I’m not your shit fucker. Blame everyone else for the things you’ve done wrong. Blame everyone for their reflex action that u only encouraged. I want so badly to just walk out leave never return. Every small matter is blown big just like dynamite. I don’t hate you, I just can’t stand you. Yea, you’re one of the reasons I find it so hard to stop cursing.

2004-09-09T21:39:00.000+08:00

e “new experience” will soon go under another of my regrets and humiliations. Everything is so F-uped! I have to travel all the way to the freaking other side of the island for a fitting. And firstly I’m not interested, secondly I don’t have the time and lastly I have better things to do! It’s not the best time to reach home late, when I’m trying to be good till you fly off. Anyway I joined some of the ruggers at Holland yesterday for a drink, the guys were dam gay. Taking photos of their muscles, comparing whose was better. Down to every detail, cutting etc. But it was good.

2004-09-07T01:47:00.000+08:00

I’m feeling like it’s a you-know world. I went out with matt, haha, my gay darling, had a good time, though it was short. We were just talking about people, friends, friends of friends, this person that person. Hot here Hot there. Somehow being with him, reminded me how much I wanted to go anglo, I still want to, although I know I’m not cut out for such. The irony is that you now you can get in, but you didn’t try. And that really sucks. Sigh. Hearing about all that made me feel inferior. Haha. Strange but honestly yes. It was smth I wanted-my dream. Their so many things I want to do, reachable yet I struggle with my conscience to go for it. Big sigh. Well anyway I kind of miss hanging out with matt, he still cracks me up. Had a good time, shopping, (still deciding on e over priced 50 buckaroos top plus another top), watching matt check guys out, nah, haha, watching matt’s chest turned nice hard boobs shake, watching his pimple, catching up, hearing about captain of the rugby team ian dominque, hearing how nick’s becoming the eye candy of most yr 1 girls. Haha. Happens all the time-ALL THE TIME. Anyway we bought bloody expensive chocolate, for our pimples-scrumptious. Haha. It was all good. Met Raj too and a lot of acjc people who were with him. Strange that I met Raj where he was getting his piercing. Haha. Before that, I caught up with niko, javelin & short put. Niko just flew back from Seattle/DC/states for awhile. It was nice catching up. Good ol trusty Javelin’s birthday! Although I couldn’t make it for your party. I don’t know but I miss Javelin. We didn’t hang out much, although there was a time. He’s someone I can trust yet I don’t really know him all that well. Haha. Yea. I’m getting all dreamy about the good ol times in secondary school, the people I’ve met, the people I would have liked to get to know better. Owells, No use looking at the pass anymore, I guess I’ve got to look towards the future ;)

I get this vibe that we’re all struggling. What’s cool what’s not. What’s “normal”, cos everybody does it, what’s not. What’s right what’s wrong. Living in this world is hard, being a Christian makes it harder.

There’s still smth really wrong with my laptop.

Songs on my head: coffee+tv & these words

2004-09-06T23:55:00.000+08:00

Fuming, whenever I see her. Hurt whenever I hear him. I’m at the disposable of that couple I have no respect for. Sadly we think we have a relationship. Just half an hour in that place, with you and silence would mean the world. Unfortunately it’s not possible. The tears that you almost brought out, a dozen times, if only you knew. It wasn’t like I never tried to say. Anger never got the better of us. Trying to keep in mind, two wrongs don’t make one right, yet just dying to do the exact opposite. Yes, you’re the torn in my flesh, the attraction of obscenity, un-release-able strong hold, un-denial-ably my blood. Today I felt pretty bad cos the girls came to my house and I was a temperamental host. Yea it sucks. We baked cookies, didn’t turn out the way we expected but it was quite nice. Edible okay! Haha. And we watched two movies. The 88.3 thingy, www.miw.com.sg sucks. So unsatisfied with my presentation of myself yet my tech savvy-not brain is clueless regarding how to change it. Sigh, too late to regret.

rainy day

2004-09-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

Her vision blurred, as tears start to form on her eyes. Why don’t they understand? Why don’t they just bother to at least listen to her side? She’s been talking to the wall, she know its.

2004-09-05T16:48:00.000+08:00

Yup I think this is the first time I’m at home on a Sunday. Cos I’m sick and feeling homely. So far I’ve watched run away jury, convinced myself not to go Holland to chill, convinced myself not to change and walk out of the house, keep my PJs on and watch loads of tv! Gona pack my room, do some “homework”, Chris work, play with my little brother, read! How exciting-haha, nah.

2004-09-05T01:12:00.000+08:00

Friday Went shopping with Kim & was joined by mel and her gang for a short while. Sadly Kim & I pissed each other off quite abit and to top it off we had a bad meal at Anatolia cos they ran out of beef and chicken and we didn’t have much of a choice left. But the fantastic thing is that we’re still besties. We managed to shop quite abit, I bought another Armani top (unhealthy addiction) and a bikini from voodoo! Well it wasn’t the perfect bikini, I’m not exactly happy about it but yea it was alright. And a few other stuff. Soon after, I had to pang se Kim, (sorry girl) to catch the nine thirty movie with the ruggers-Kumar & Harold, was lame, funny though not as good as duplex! Glen was saying after the movie that he couldn’t stop laughing through out the movie and Gloria had to keep hitting him to stop to him from laughing. Then we went to Cuscaden for drinks. It was pretty interesting watching Joel & Ben whose faces were already all red have a serious discussion. Well, Cuscaden’s the place I believe I’ll be popping by again real soon. I met an old friend from my gymnastic days at saga, Sarah, the Tahitian American babe! Well she’s stuck in a home for the next 2 months and most probably will be flying back to the states after, I think Hawaii. She came over to my group of friends and asked if anyone had a cigarette, when we made eye contact it was pretty much magic. Haha. She reminded me of my foolish days in saga, I remember she would ride over from home & there was a period of time she didn’t have a tv. When she finally got one, with cable, the tv was on 24/7. Haha. I remember her baby sis, even when she was in Sarah’s mother’s stomach too. I can’t believe we didn’t keep in touch. Anyway she’s one wild chic now, I’ll be going back to cuscaden cos it’s her local haunt. I miss my crazy childhood friends! Saturday Was pretty lazy to go to Senotsa today but I went anyhow. It was a triumver outing, and instead of 30 plus people I found only 8 people there. Surprisingly it was fun. Initially I was in a pretty sour mood, cos I felt dam bloody fat (I know I’m not fat but I have fats and why can’t I complain?!), could have gone to see the src Vs scc rugby matches, had a whole load of stuff to do & didn’t want to tan AT ALL. Yet I went. There, triumver was the usual- horny. Botak was telling us all about his sexual escapades. Whatever’s bad he’s done it. He told us stuff about whipping, role play, blindfolding, I’ll spare u the details. Today more then half the guys were stripped and left nude in the sea with their pants and underwear hanging on shore. They had to either call people to throw it in for them or cover their front with a small singlet. I videoed some of it, unfortunately I accidentally re-formatted my ixus500 and all was lost. We also had rich NZ ice cream and pasta mania. Fabul-icious. Well the only thing that’s still a torn in my mind, was the stickness from an insignificant other. Oh yar I saw some people surfing, erm there’s another word for it cos it’s not really surfing. A good friend of mine, whom I miss as well, faizal used to do it. Well anyway it’s dam coooooool! I’m dying to try it! Wonder If anyone knows what I’m talking about. Sigh. It’s so common now, the world sees it as okay, yet somehow it’s wrong. Yes everyday I wake up, and I find myself fighting with myself. Their so many things I want to do, so many things I really want to do…

2004-09-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

we went wild over these unsalted water

photo by: beforetwelve

2004-09-05T00:48:00.000+08:00

Regina, Mun & ME! HOT HOT HOT!

photo by: beforetwelve

2004-09-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

Yes we're thinking! haha

photo by: beforetwelve

2004-09-05T00:27:00.000+08:00

Chun An & Me claiming credit for smth we didn't do

photo by: beforetwelve

2004-09-03T01:10:00.000+08:00

An enriching experience! Going on air, trying to speak Chinese, singing, the suspense and the feel of it, it was all so different. The bonus, Kim’s selected too! It’s scary, people I don’t know, never heard of, not even from the same school, late twentys. I want to be nice and reply yet I guess I’m taken aback the way u shoot so much about urself. Haha. People should learn from tim. I only replied one out of the five. Sorry. It’s weird, you’re talking to me like you want something from me. It’s different now. Lastly, there's smth wrong with my computer. Every website has to reload twice. Bloody irritating.

2004-09-02T13:33:00.000+08:00

My buddy Leslie & Me

photo by: beforetwelve

I Miss those times...
those times...
We went to town with the gang...
foolish pranks
cheap thrills
you guys breaking
you guys asking chicks for their numbers
getting rejected by them sometimes
crazy bowling
doing para para just for life
seoul garden
laser quest
hanging out during recess
talking
standing up for me
helping me scare guys who call
haha...

2004-09-02T13:30:00.000+08:00

besties!Hmm,Kim where's e other half of ur face ;)

photo by: beforetwelve

2004-09-02T13:29:00.000+08:00

Sentosa-Bing,Jachin,John,Wivi,Brandon,Darren,Me!

photo by: beforetwelve

2004-09-02T13:27:00.000+08:00

Walnut Cheesecake Bakerzin- Scrumptious!

photo by: beforetwelve

bummer =)

2004-09-02T13:24:00.000+08:00

Just went to the Volcom website! I’m seriously going volcom crazy crazy CRAZY! I love all the tees! Oh man their gorgeous! Gona start sourcing for them high and low! Where can I get them? Was suppose to meet mel for a rhumba frappe (ain’t my coffee addiction to rhumba infectious) to sit in a corner, read and enjoy as time passes us by. But the lazy girl doesn’t want to get out of the house, yea and I guess I’m lazy too. I could go on my own… but… haha. Been hearing a lot about this book called Tuesday with morries, going to get it real soon! Yay I found my cool kit. I’m cool. Haha. Been searching for it up and down. Luckily Azlan reminded me to bring it in the afternoon. Well, I’m still nervous. Listening to destiny’s child. Should I change to some Chinese station? Nah… why suffer!

weird-regret-afraid yet still smiling baby ;)

2004-09-02T00:53:00.000+08:00

This feeling is weird, I feel cheated, a little regret yet happy for you. Maybe a lot more regret because I was never given the chance to get to know you better and yet not lead you on. I find myself looking out for you, yet I know this ain’t meant to be. I miss your company, your way with words, your attention and most of all being your friend. I guess I’ll just have to store you in the file of my many regrets. It’s sad, we might never have the chance again. Yesterday, was teacher’s day. I met some friends, some teachers. It was sweet, yet yea again I regret not seizing the opportunity to catch up with my friends more. The only few people I got to really catch up with where my old buddy and best friend, one of those guys I’ll trust with my life, LESLIE! Yes, the model. I miss those times we would talk during recess, hang out after school, do those crazy things. The way you, xing, shaun and ong would fake break. Your jokes, walking around town, making a fool of ourselves, acting gay, getting chicks numbers, seeing u get rejected by some, crazy bowling-the stunts we did, the para para we made u do, the calls you would pick up for me and pretend u were this muthu, or that ahmad “ sorry, wrong number” or “why you disturb my girlfriend?” in a so un-chinese voice, our few hour conversations, the way you talked with my lil bro. Yeah miss it all! Miss the gang! Met up with Gerald also, suddenly he’s body is dam toned and nice know. Still playing soccer professionally, reminded me of Sports com, I talked to mr muru, he said it’s know changed to sports leaders. Haha. I remember those trips to taman nagera. Best times ever! Calvin, remember those times we used to work at taka then we’ll wait for each other to go makan. You, zhou, me, all those QTSS ppl. Haha. Go to TP for what sia? Haha. Hmm who else, I had a nice chat with Mr Lee, Mr Loh, Our Mrs Yeong-Nicole Kidman, still the same cracking lame jokes. Biggest regretSsss, Vanicek, Wilson-sorry I came late, Ming Shan, Jee Cheng, Jian Wen, Chia Min, Adelynn, Jee Cheng, Hue Min, who else… all my A class friends, sigh I miss you guys although I didn’t show. Sorry babes, couldn’t join you guys for west coast. Hope to meet you guys hang out, yea but you’re all so busy with JC! Sigh. Oh Yup, met loads of ppl, Jo-ee! Niko, didn’t know you flew back from the states! Ryan! WeiYe! Jackson! Desmond! Benmin! Frederick! Brice! TK! Wailin! PeiShan! Alerice! All the prefects! I see you guys are making FULL use of the alumni room, the stereo, I miss the old wheel chair inside. Haha. Loads of other ppl!!! Tomorrow? 88.3? I’m so nervous. I heard Kim today. Her voice was sweet and she was hot. The things the DJs said about her were funny yet complimented her character very well. The riddle you asked sounded dirty though, couldn’t understand it! Well no matter what you think, you rocked hard tonight. Honest! Tom’s my turn. Sigh. Scared. Scared. Scared. It’ll be comedy night for sure. Haha.

silent morning

2004-08-31T03:43:00.000+08:00

It’s 3.30 am, I’m no longer chatting to anyone, peace at last. I love times like these, times I can just clear my thoughts, think through then fall asleep mid way. They don’t happen often, yet treasured dearly. In the day, I’ll be rushing from this place to the other, talking to different people. I want to sit back relax, enjoy and watch as time sweeps pass me. Many people grasp the essence of time, few sit back to enjoy it. On my playlist… Never going back- Daddy Weave A song makes everything seem so simple. The desire to never go back? When will you open my eyes? Open my eyes so I can see, my ears so I can ear. All I hear is raindrops, falling on the roof top… When I hear this song, the mood just gets all emotional. Memories of different people, flash past, like I’m in a movie, my story.

2004-08-31T01:27:00.001+08:00

Just now I nearly burst into tears. Looking back at an old girlfriends friendster. Read an old testimonial for you that I wrote, read the new ones that others wrote as well. Thinks are different know, so different. We’re no longer the friends we used to be. I regret the fact that when u flew off, I sent a good bye message to the wrong person. The fact that I didn’t give myself the chance to understand u all over again. The fact that we used each other. If only things could be easier. It’s weird. That most of us ,wear masks, to pretend that everything’s alright, smile, to pretend we like this person when we think otherwise. You know after it all, you’ll look back and realize thing’s ain’t complicated, we only make them. It’s official, I’ve got the most wonderful brother in the world. Well Brandon said he’ll buy me the Mao Zedong cap. Of course I don’t need him to do it, I’ll cough up the money. But the fact that he offered… sweeeet. That definitely brought a big smile to my face!

2004-08-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

I’m glowing again. Ya, you know sentosa. Some funny stuff: Darren placed his lighter and only 2 sticks of ciggys in a ziplock bag and swam with the pack in his mouth to the other island. On reaching the island, the lighter didn’t work. Mixed cans of beer which cost an unreasonable 5.50 each with what’s left of the cappello, another unreasonable price, strangely still marketable to the not-tourist bunch, 2.20-diarrhea Took photos of Jachin’s butt crack, it looks like a heavily laden lady in a white tube Pluck coconuts, drank coconut juice, ate coconut meat Videos of gay dances and Darren doing a rolling dive… into the sand. Ran- Dive- Roll- Roll- More Rolls- Collapse Laughing. Dancing to INSEED family day, chill out music. There was an abrupt ending to the fun, the dreaded call: “ Come back home, your dad’s angry!” We were planning to head to town for marche’s scrumptious mushroom soup, and I was already dreaming about wearing my beloved Mao Zedong cap to school. Well, shattered. Got home at boring 9 >.< My relationship with my parents has been a downhill fall. I’m not exactly bothered about it, but it’s still hard. Man, I feel so deprived. Haha.

2004-08-29T02:36:00.000+08:00

Been thinking, I’ve been busy, so busy, meeting people, rushing from point a to point b. Think I’m going to walk max (e husky) to botanic, sit down and read a good book. Or go to Holland, by myself, get a a yummy rhumba frappe, or coffee bean’s berries treasure, sit myself in a corner and it’ll just be me and my good old trusty book. Hmm or maybe the deli at sentosa?

2004-08-29T02:28:00.001+08:00

Went to this really poshe restaurant Modesto’s I think. Didn’t expect to be eating dinner with taiyo, his friends and miss chen there but anyway had a delicious time. Taiyo had just booked out from bmt for the 2nd time, yea so he was pretty much dying to make up for lost time and really enjoy himself. Anyway the main topic was about army life, and I guess since I’ve never been through , and don’t ever intend to try (alright maybe once when I was young and dumb) I wouldn’t really understand what’s it like. We girls, may hear all these bits and pieces, stories of a 100 over guys powder bathing, singing some stupid song, pulling the elastic on their briefs to form a large cloud of smoke, field camps, we all know It’s tough, but somehow I feel that even if we hear a million and one stories about life in army, or watch a thousand and two videos about what the guys have got to do we won’t really understand even alil regarding how ns guys feel about the whole thing. I though I knew enough, today I looked at taiyo in the cab, it was Saturday and he was already dreading Sunday evening-book in time, and now I’m nt sure if I know anything at all. It’s only less then a month back that he booked in. And they say it’s like a cycle. You got to do the same things, book in on Sunday book out on Saturday, maybe it’s not the case for all NS men but yea it’s the norm. SAD.

2004-08-29T02:28:00.000+08:00

My friends so rock my world! My oh so caring santa claus, hexic queen, captain hook, marvelous mel wrote me smth so sweet that my heart melted. fhey girl. know that u've haven been feeling v good these days? ur mood goes up and down like a roller coaster huh. u've been getting mixed feelings over staying single or going into a relationship yeah? being v sour and bothered bout the not supposed to be there curfew rite? things u wanna do and really wanna do but been stopped by religion. and being v irritated by ur haircut and thus u arent in the best of mood. just wanna let you know that im here if u need someone to tok to. everything will tide over before you know it yeah? i may not show that im concerned and that im always with my own friends, but deep down i care for the friendship and i guess you know that too yeah? i know you wanna share my problems too. but i haven really got any, guess the way we live our lives are totally different though we clicked the time we met. yeaps. i promise to tell ya if i have any eyecandy in school. or any problems ok? be happy and smile more yeah! my phone line's always open. dun worry if im busy or wad. cause im usually not. cheers ok! smile smile smile. u look lots more prettier when u smile.=) Not forgetting, lovable, caring, bootylicious Char Siew Sou Kim =P The sweet encouragements she has wrote for me could flood my blog cos their so many, sorry can’t post them. Their really too much. Just oh so funny, talkative, sweet, intelligent, HOT Janet! Thanks babe, for your msgs. Looking forward to a better time of shopping and loads of topless five ice-creams. Despite circumstances, I had a good time on Thursday. Smuacks! (you know I only reserve kisses for you) Dearest Ang Ku Kueh, red house Eileen who snorts and laughs Glad that we managed to do some catch up. Thanks for staying with me today till 1am.

2004-08-28T02:27:00.000+08:00

Was reading back on what I’ve written on my blog, and I guess I broke the rule I set for myself. My blog’s suppose to be about how I feel, happy times! And not solely about what I did today, or yesterday. Why the sudden funny rule, that seems so unimportant, which sets a topic full of controversy, regarding what should be written? Guess I’m ashamed of myself, cos I feel like I’ve been writing like some kid, trying to make an impression. Trying to announce that I did this and that to the world. When I’m quite sure I have no need to prove anything. My stand? I want to blog to voice out my thoughts and not for any attention seeking other reason.

2004-08-28T01:38:00.000+08:00

Title: Yes, rain drops fall. Yesterday, i felt contented with my life. Now, everything's F-ed up. All goes to show how humans can never be satisfied. +Had lunch with yu yin my dearest ang ku kueh, at SP, got to meet her friends and stuff, yea that was fun though it was short. I miss her, had a good short mini catch up. think if i can, i'll join her for lunch once a week. SP's food ain't that bad anyway. +Mao Tay, a good friend of mine asked me to be his partner for some army gathering. -Met Xin, Joey & Simon in town, was pretty disappointed as i was looking forward to shopping and hanging out with xin and the rest but nth turned out right. Feel that xin and i are too used to each other that we start neglecting each other's feelings. Starting to feel that if i get to close to people, unpleasant things happen. Only 3 good things came out about from my gathering with them, 1) i saw this really unique cap at mambo that looks like mao zedongs one. It's not cheap for a hat, so i'm gona show a whole lot of ppl what they think of it before i buy it. I'm afraid my queer taste might make me regret my decision later. Just blew 300 few weeks back over smth like that, so i'm not going to make the same mistake again. Man, i just can't get it out of my head. 2) Yang reminded me how to visualise and draw lines on the table. I'm one step closer to playing the game right. 3) i didn't buy anything although i expected to buy alot of stuff. All the stuff i was so excited about purchasing was put down. =( -Quarrelled with my dad again, and all i can say is F F F. Although i know i shouldn't be cursing, i'm finding it pretty hard to kick the habit. -Joel asked me if i want to go for the party on Sunday, where he says “ be like 100 over people, beer on the tap, food and…” basically at eight, they’ll be a lot of drunk ruggers sprawled all over C.H. I give it a minus because, I want to go but I don’t think it’ll be wise for me to trample on unfamiliar ground. Besides I’ll be at sentosa when the party starts and will be arriving late. As you can clearly see, I’m still struggling: to go or not to go (think it’s by hamlet? haha) -Hiang Hwa, my old buddy just redid my webpage for me. So sweeet of him yea. Mix feelings about it, cos it’s not really me. Don’t know how to tell him. Cos I actually wanted to just add stuff. Tell me what you thing yea? I want to add archives more pictures and a tag board. Anybody know how? Minus 4 : Plus 2

2004-08-26T03:48:00.000+08:00

Wed-BCA-Hope i won't flunk. Headed to town with Sheena, Janet and Logan. Janet, as usual, "pang seh-ed" us to spend some quality time with Logan. Only joined them for lunch, got to see "logan sweat like a pig act" it was hilarious. Janet's really lucky to grab such SUBSTANCE! It's been a long time since i laughed so hard during lunch. Think the last time i did such over lunch was with andre. Then Sheena and i shopped like crazy. Retail therapy always puts me in a good mood. Too bad i'm pretty broke. But think i'm gona dig into my savings and buy half the stuff i want to buy when i head back to town on friday! Although my conscience is telling me "control faith, discipline..." BLAH! Met Steph later, she was late! As well as Selwyn, Earl, Andrew, Brandon, Bing & Darren. We played CS for awhile, then we(girls) dumped the guys for some MORE shopping. Yea CS was fun, but i'm not mad over it. We only played for like 15 minutes to humour the gys before we went for shopping. The guys said it was refreshing cos they probably haven't played CS for such a long time, their like 17-20yrs of age. Then we pigged out at Cine's new food court, had abit of fried tofu, modan yaki and some famous mee goreng. All this time, steph was already planning our next makan trip to newton, sambal stingray etc. Not to my liking... urgh... spicy stuff! Then went for a game of pool. Got home i think at 11.45? took a cab. Something worth remembering: meeting jo-ee my shopping khaki in secondary school whose working at topman! i miss her ALOT! Gona meet her to shop my saving away next week ;)

2004-08-25T00:48:00.000+08:00

Mel was sweeet enough to lend me her text book in the morning. I just love that girl, although i doubt that whatever i do for her will equal out to what she has done for me. It's hard to not give thanks, when you have such a great girl in your class! Then went over to darren's house. Brandon and Darren made macaroni and cheese (with lots and lots of cheese plus bread crumbs) for me! It was simply delicious. I think their gona make great husbands! haha. Had a blast at darren's house, writing gay testimonial's on his behalf together with brandon, without darren's knowledge of course. Met max, the cute fat Jack Russel who kept licking my feet. f4 fanatic, national bowler, sweet, nice grandma. Last but not least, HORNY! whose occupation is to sit on darren's bed and keep him happy. haha. honest! Screwed my poa paper today, didn't have a clue how to do the 30 mark question and smoked my way through the rest of the paper. Arrhh... bye SMU! It's becoming embarrassingly obviouse that i never achive my goals. haha. Anyway went to sixth avenue again to study with Joel, met kenneth. Nice fella. I had an enjoyable game of pool, cos i beat someone! yay! Haha, but still never failing to make ALOT of pathetic shots along the way. Can u believe that when i "break" the white ball went into the hole. And the break wasn't even a decent one. The balls where still pathetically close to each other. Haha. From a third person point of view, i wouldn't deny that it was awfully amusing to watch me play. The only sad thing about my day is *! A bud had to tell me * was (i think) blaming ppl for the outcome. Only reminded me what a loser * can be. Ars, stop blaming ppl for smth that isn't their fault and just FACE IT! I know i'm being harsh and * needs time. Glad * don't read this.

2004-08-24T00:42:00.000+08:00

MONDAY-Macroeconomics-OK My day went alot better today then expected. Went bowling with Darren, Bing and Brandon! Haha, had a blast! We played 3 games each and my performance was pretty good. yay. 100,98,117! Darren & me vs, Bing & Brandon, last game. And we won... by 30 points. Yayyay :P Can't wait for my free drink! I want my vodka lime now! Wala Wala! Tomorrow i have POA, i think i've got to study for 6 chapters, however i don't have a text book. Haha. I've only touched the first 2 chapters and their chicken feet. Pretty blur about the next 4 chapters, so in my opinion i'm screwed. Just recieved a call from *, sadly it's weird. Think i was too cruel, although i can't help it. Wish that * will just leave me alone and call me when *'s got something better to say or when *'s got over it. Ya, i know i'm being insensitive.

2004-08-23T02:12:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt like you're in a cage. Their so many things you want to do, want to say. But somehow you don't. And then you sit yourself in your sorry cage, moaning about your sorry state. Regret, complain, denial - yea that's my sorry life. shucks, i feel like such a loser.

2004-08-22T00:43:00.000+08:00

I HATE IT! That horrid feeling that has been like a shadow behind me. When night comes, it envelopes me! Sigh... it just spoils everything. I start to eat ALOT, even though i'm full. Nothing becomes fun. What's missing? I read one of the e-mails and it said something about being empty. That God's the only one that can make me feel whole again, it makes sense. FUCK, i miss the zest i had for life. For going out and having fun. I HATE IT! The fact that i reject dates. The insecurity i feel. My horrible haircut! Shit, my life's just full of regrets. I HATE IT! That my friends are having problems and i can never find the right words to console them. I HATE IT! That i blew money on careless shopping on designer stuff that i now see wasn't worth the money and was all just impulse buys. Leaving me pretty broke. I HATE IT! That a week has passed and i've been out everyday. Left unprepared for next week's common test. That i'm not even sure what chapters are coming out and what subject's on what day! I HATE IT! That unknowingly i lead guys on! I HATE IT! That i made a guy that i liked (as a friend) get upset! I HATE IT! That ***'s been a torn in my life. Can't stand him. Can't stand my taste! I HATE IT! That i don't understand fashion. I HATE IT! That i have a curfew that wasn't suppose to be there. I HATE IT! That my laptop mouse sucks! I HATE IT! That my dentist was an arshole. That he wasn't observant enough! What's left to be thankful for? Kim & Lionel are doing great! and... My baby, babe and her pie just started! And from what i heard from babe, their really a sweet couple. Like two peas in a pod.

2004-08-21T00:29:00.000+08:00

Met Kim in the morning, we were both late! Didn't have time to swim, we just sat at the keppel toilet complaining how much we needed to exercise. Haha. Spent ten plus on cab fare, just for the morning. It's usually okay, but i'm broke!!! Well, so my morning sucked. The only good thing about it, is that i had fun with Kim. Haha. After that we took cab to CMP building, wanted to sign on. haha. Nah. We had to go there for some chinese radio station's game. There we had to come up with a very very long speech about ourself in chinese. Haha. it was challenging and fun. Met some new people, did some recording and kept embarassing myself with my hopeless chinese. haha. Looking forward to September 2nd, it'll be some experience. Then we went to suntec to meet Joel, Lionel and Yang to study. Well, we didn't study much. Talked alot more. Had yummy baked rice and chocolate crunch frappe! superlicious! After that rode on Joel's bike to town then al azhar (went around scouting for good food). Riding was a blast. Especially when Joel went on the highway. Something i'll NEVER forget. Think i'm going to go for gluttonous balls with tony real soon. then i'll get to ride on his bike too!

2004-08-19T23:45:00.000+08:00

Spend my day at Xin's house, frying dutch mushrooms in butter, lots and lots of butter. Hmmm... delicious, then adding in mushroom soup. Gelate! Helped shower the new prince Edward dog, PARIS, played alittle with Oscar, Xin's other dog and patted miao miao! Yay finally after all these years, miao finally accepts me. haha. I used to say i hate that cat cos it made xin cry and wory over nthing. Haha. ya i mean of course i didn't mean it. Yea but that cat's nt the kind that will curl up to you and purr... she hisses. Okay today she didn't. So she was good. Sigh.. miss teddy's cat! persian baby!!! Sad the way it had to leave. Yea besides that i fell asleep at Xin's place, haha, when i woke up we watched a very very sweet and romantic kinda korean movie! nearly teared. reminded me of my sassy girl. In case you don't know, my sassy girl (the korean one) affected me alot, reminded me of this sji guy i met in sec3. funny though, when i look back, i wondered what i saw in him. well anyway he looks like the male lead in my sassy girl, and he also played a minor role in the korean movie i just saw. if you're wondering, i don't think the lead fella is cute. Anyway, thanks Xin's for a good time. Hope to do this more often and i hope we could share more. For Kim, looking forward to swimming at keppel, photoshoot at depot, cheese cakes, trying to study and shopping! Don't brood over the makeup thing, cheer up k! You never know, someone might find it and return it to you somehow!

2004-08-19T02:00:00.000+08:00

Went to the gym&swimming today with bing and brandon. haha.Didn't know that it took so much hardwork to get buff. It was amusing to see the guys face get all red, while they lifted 70 kgs worth of stuff etc. Think bing said he can do a 100. Haha.. and some of the gym equipments are pretty cute. Bing's a good trainer, he's familiar with the gym- thought me some stuff. Then we went to the pool, guys wanted to tan. Haha.. i got darker too, sigh. Bing kinda thought me how to see underwater, ouch! Oh Collinn joined us, nice to have someone of my age around. The other 2 sometimes act like 12 year olds. Haha :P. Found out brandon didn't take chilly, yay! Haha finally someone who understands my ignorance towards chilly. I can't even bother to spell it right. After, we went to breko and then starbucks. We took a couple of videos, haha, people chewing their food. Forcaia bread, baked potatoes, beer. At starbucks, i though the guys were amusing themselves with static+ciggs+hair+straws. My fault actually, for teaching them the stupid game. We took a video on that, it was hilarious. Haha. Oh and bing, brandon and me used a pair of straws as chopsticks and slurped down a whole cup of whip cream. De-li-ci-ous! Yup that's my day. Don't worry Kim-was thinking of u the whole day, wished u were there. cld have shared a few laughs. Hope you're feeling better. Remember whenever it starts to "rain", think of the Chhheeesssee caaakee!

2004-08-17T01:36:00.000+08:00

Mixed feelings Only managed to catch some wink eye at 6am today, yar had to do some work for chris and talk to bing and al. Got to know bing a little better, didn’t know he had so much on his mind. Reminded me of the childish issuses that I used to have with ***. Haha well that’s passé, I hope my experiences helped bing. Al was sweet enough to chat with me, even though I guess he was pretty tired after all that cycling. Was woken by Kim at 12.30, haha, hope I didn’t piss her off too badly for coming late. Sorry dearie. Stayed at Starbucks to chat and study. Sigh, starbucks always brings back sweet memories. Home sweeeet home. Escapades with andre, crapping with the gang. Oops side track, yar my chat with Kim made me realize a lot of stuff. Her woes and the way I feel about this le garcon. (which i’ve been avoiding cos I know I’ll regret what I say later. I predict when it’s over I bet I’ll fall for this le garcon and it’ll be too late- It always happens) Feel pretty bad cos I doubt I was able to make her feel any better. She doesn’t know this, yea but I plan to treat her to scrumptious cheese cake to cheer her up, later when I meet her at starbucks again. Can’t wait for that! Last thing worth mentioning today, got a big bro! Yay! Happy Happy! Though to me it sounds pretty bengish/ lianish that some1 asked me to be his lil sis – I still feel like a million dollars. Feel pretty honoured cos my big bro’s real cool! Haha, yar I sound like a lil kid. I’ll stop embarrassing myself now, got a headache, gona go to bed. * how i really feel i guess you'll never know. believe me i'm dying to say, to tell you that one thing that will make you stay. but i guesss maybe another day. cos it'll be unfair to keep you a stray. the wait's been your silent killer, your little demoraliser. my heart achs for those days, to just go away. i am the reason, the cause for all the pain. God teach me the words to say, so maybe you'll no longer pain but gain.

2004-08-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

My Friday In the morning, had an incredibly stressed up time (scolding a lot of Fs as well), rushing my wcom project. Thank God for Kok Yi’s patience, for Melissa’s hard work and for Li Mei’s help. If not I would have gone insane. Went for shopping with Alphonsus and Xin. Couldn’t really enjoy myself in the beginning because of what chris had said, felt like I had really let him down, which yea actually I did, but what’s done is done. Shopping left me really confused regarding my taste of fashion. What is fashion? I’m dying to find out the Far East sorta style, yet confused regarding where to start. Al brought me and xin to a couple of neat stores, both he and xin bought smth =) ! We went for a movie thereafter called the “notebook” which was really sweet story. I nearly cried. Found it pretty sweet and also amusing the way Al treated Mr Noesy in the theatre, big softy. Haha, and yar it was dam funny, the fact that he ran all the way to the train station to beat xin and me there, we thought he was a ghost at first. My Saturday and Sunday Morning In the afternoon brought yang for cell, was really impressed and encouraged by his interest, glad he had fun. After that we went over to sentosa, met Giap, Sheena, Kimberly, Regan, Colinn, Brandon, Diana, Darren, steph and some others there. The concert was not bad, hoobastank managed to get the crowd moving, although the back people, spent half their time screaming at the security to let us climb over the barrier. Poor guys, everybody was shouting at them all sorts of vulgarities. We pushed the barrier, cut the wires that they used to keep the loose barriers together. Finally we climbed over the barriers and just ran…haha…Sheena, Brandon, Diana and I managed to find each other, couldn’t see the rest and we pushed all the way to the front! It was crazy, I could barely breath. My only regret at that time was that we didn’t dance, barely. Well after that, we walked all the way to rasa to call a cab. Fought with the bus driver, had some big hoo hah with him, ten vs one. At that time, I was staring in awe at Diana, way to go girl, the way she stood up and gave the driver hell. Giap, Darren and Brandon deserve some credit too, I bet we all felt pretty safe with them. Haha. Then we played pool till 1 I think in town (in which I embarrassed myself so badly and displayed my remarkable skill of always missing the target) and then went to indochine for Hoobastank’s post party. Darren and steph were already in because of invites, surprisingly, I got in to! Just walked in, the bouncer didn’t say anything. The party was poshe, at the end of the day, I and steph ended up talking to Markuu Lappalainen, to me he looked like this really friendly guy, so me and steph went up to him and introduced ourselves without even knowing he was from hoobastank. Haha. How embarrassing can that be? Yar we asked stupid questions. But he was real cool, not arrogant at all, really sporting and very very nice. He took some neat pics with us, signed autographs, let me try on his really awesome shades and even cracked lame jokes. When we got bored, steph and me amused ourselves by taking loads of pictures. Pictures with cigarettes, trying to act bitchy and all. Steph was really photogenic, HOT! Darren had to take all the photos, haha. And yang was really cool through out it all, in a way I have him to thank for the experience. After indochine, we loitered around taka taking stupid picture, and then to the new 24hour coffee club express. Well at 4, I started to get into deep shit. My dad wad freaking pissed with me for not being home yet. So caught a cab at 4,headed home. Giap was sweet enough to send me up the lift. Got home I think 4.30, dad was freaking pissed. he gave me a curfew of 12 SHIT! Yes, now I have a curfew! In a way I guess all that fun was worth it. Will write more about it next time. Got to start on chris work now.

2004-08-12T22:56:00.000+08:00

My foolish thoughts… Today, I was checking the e-mails that had accumulated in my account for a number of days. Definitely more then half of them had the word love in them. Why? I don’t know, I guess I the word L-O-V-E relates to everybody around the world. Unlike cheese or ice-cream or something like that. (Don’t blame me, I’m hungry) Some people just hate them. And when you see the word love, soon after, that word, G-O-D comes next. Strangely I’ve never noticed this before. Some of these e-mails contain poems that rhyme nicely, have love or God all over them but none actually seem to in my opinion, interpret right the meaning of these words. Love, God and even fuck are words some can say everyday, without understanding the true meaning of it. I myself use them all, so frequently, and right now I feel pretty foolish. Everybody’s using them, it’s acceptable in society today but hey even if it’s a common thing it doesn’t mean that we’re not speaking without thinking. Below is an example… of a poem that doesn’t exactly hit the meaning of love right on (and I’ve put that very nicely) got it from one of my e-mails. Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed (drowned? You sure it was love?)Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to bleed (bleed?) Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need (aching?)I say love, it is a flower And you its only seed (well this is the sweetest part of the poem)

2004-08-11T21:53:00.000+08:00

Poly pretty much is quite screwed up again. Every year, i'll tell myself, hey i'll be consistent, pay attention and then a month later... "haha" that's what my negative side will always say. Yar, my life's a mockery. I'm always planning stuff but when it comes to getting them done... what stuff was i planning to do again...? Right now, i've been tasked to compile all the 30 surveys from my group mates, standardise them and come up with a draft 1. Why me? My big fat mouth wanted to help out cos i've been MIAing quite abit. Never did i expect to get myself into so much shit. It's almost ten now. My group's suppose to have an online conference, however not a single soul's in sight. And they' re ususally online. Don't really blame them. Captain Hooks at a concert. Pocky went to the gym. Rebecca doesn't know about the arrangement cos i forgot to inform her. Janet's probably asleep after her 5 day shopping spree.. and David... he's suppose to send me stuff at 8. Well, i can't say i'm very focused either. Haven't started on my part of the job yet, been chatting ignorantly away with people like Kim, Simon, Al, Giap, Andrew, Nicky and people who bother to look me up and talk endless crap with me. Right now, i'm chatting with Nicky whose finally got his pao pao che- pearly. Can't say i'm not happy for him, i sincerely hope it was the worth the wait. Kinda sad too, cos i remember the fun we all used to have years ago hanging out, sneaking into theaters, throwing popcorn and even all the crap at starbucks. What's sadder is i'm no longer part of it. well, i'm looking forward to the future now. Nick says we'll all hang outwhen his a levels are done. Al, whose saliva i can almost swear can turn into honneeey, who keeps talking about gelares, mr noesy and red apples. I think it's really neat that even though i don't really know him very well, i'm able to confide in him, get good advice ;) and yar basically be honest. Life sucks when you got to wear a mask where ever you go. That's sad i hope i never have to do that. Gottogo try stay focused now, Captain Hook and david are online...

2004-08-11T21:36:00.000+08:00

an excerpt from somewhere else: Today was worst then expected. Firstly i woke up late and feeling really stupid. Partly because i did not complete anything i set out to do yesterday. The hair cut, i feel wasn't the best and i didn't have time to do anything about it. Wore mismatched cloths to school, and felt terribly insecure the whole day. It's sad because i realised the way i feel about how i look affects my confidence. Undenaiably the world's full of people who judge people by their appearences, and i admit that i am one to. Yea, that's probably one reason why i feel so insecure. But yea, i remember there was a time where i didn't bother about such things, sometimes when i wear those outrageous pair of mango khakis, which my ex boyfriend hated, and some other guys think that i should just burn. I'm reminded why i bought them. Why i love them though everybody else hates them. Despite the fact that i think (I THINK) i look good in them another important reason i love it so much, is because i feel like i'm being myself. What inspired me to get it... i've seen people on the streets on town or whatever, yea and their wearing slacks or their own version of casual- i really envied them once, know i'm searching for my own style. If only terribly mismatched cloths were called style, my life would be FULL of style. Haha. Besides that, i'm starting to realise that i should be observant and more specific. Hair cut was bad... nothing near what i wanted... then again i didn't really know what i wanted... more like i knew what i didn't want. Didn't help. Well now i hate my hair. But i've resolved to stay positive about it, and stop being so self absorbed, i'm sure their bigger problems out there. ... well love makes the world go round. We're one way another, either searching for that special someone, trying to forget our last one, just deeply lost in someone elses eyes, or sometimes alittle abit of each. This kind of stuff strangely stays at the back of mind, in a dark corner of my brain, in a closet that can hold alot more then you'll ever imagine. Sometimes i like to keep stuff in there, so no one will be able to see them or reach them. But whenever there's stuff in there, even if i can't remember it presently it's always holding me back from smiling. Presently, yar it's in that closet, i don't think about it but i can't smile as well. ...

2004-08-10T14:38:00.000+08:00

Went to the pool with maine today and we took loads and loads of pictures... sweeet. Well i had a good time, but the bad thing is that i'm darker then before! Arghhhhh... i hope i don't become too tan! Besides that, just got an e-mail from debbie, and boy, i miss her loads and loads. Her life in NZ is picking up, she's doing fine and complaining alot about the cost of living over there. Strawberry's seven bucks. Bus rides 3.30. haha. Still I want to visit her real real REAL soon. sigh, i miss her. Church really isn't the same without her. Checked out cheamy's blog today, glad life's really looking up for her. Was too lazy to read it all, and didn't bother to read about her life in VJC but yea i feel kinda proud oh her cos in a way she really has it all. Brains, a whole lot of musical talent and still soo good at sports. My rugby role model- i want to train with blacks too! Life's been good to me, met even more new people while at my hoobastank jobbie. Yang yang, whose a really sincere type of person, he's two friends whose names i can't remeber. Kiwi and keith really cute guys who really flatter me. Not forgeting my really really gracious 2day boss. He's gona give us some hoobstank tickets! Out of the world! I got to thank miss quek tian er for the job =P

2004-08-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

Faith+Kim+Shopping= big hole in my pocket Went shopping with Kim today, had to resist the temptation to buy alot alot of cloths! Sigh... but anyhow still got some stuff from A/X, FCUK and TOPSHOP. Kim and i went mad, we went into bebe, guess, zara, mango, black jack, and loads of other stores. Shopping is addictive, sinful and keeps me soo sooo soooo happy. The down side is that it keeps me so soo broke. Was sitting on the bus today, counting the amount of money i have already spent in a week, and yea i guess i really need a JOB! Hopefully one at A/X or TOPSHOP or even better Dior (It'll be a dream). Anyone hiring?